APOLOGY -
Apparently i have been really horrible about Wayne, according to the impartial...................... Mrs Wayne or Waynetta as i prefer to call her. He is much misunderstood in the local community and is" only trying to make a living and provide people with what they want" - this also extends to allowing a burger van run by a couple whose opinion of anybody not right of the BNP is not worth considering...........allegedley, to operate off of what's left of his car park !
Well, BOOO fucking HOOOOO.
StourbridgeRantBoy, deeply upset by Waynettas' succinct critique of her, often misunderstood, husband is overcome by remorse for his unwarranted outbursts towards one of Oldswinfords most revered businessmen who is "only trying to earn a living and providing people with what they want", is seen here being comforted by an overweight friend -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nc52OMftJSk
Below, Wayne and Waynetta.
I have to admit that 'The Man' does appear to have a modicum of support, well, from within the confines of the 4 walls of The Cross, at least! Here are a few comments of support with regard to the recent 'letter' from the lovely Margot -
Below - Wayne with 'new look' toilet paper for The Cross.
DISCLAIMER
The quotes in "italics" are directly from the Sportsbars' Facebook page and i take no responsiblility for either spolling, punct.uation or gramme.
"she clearly has no social scene..." This, from somebody who socialises in... The Cross!
"She should be dealing with more important issues wayne ,what a joke"
Importance is relative, part of her job is to deal with complaints from residents who feel that the issue is important.
"Yeah, she needs to sort out that car that's always parked on double yellows as you turn into Swincross Road..... Oh hold on..... I forgot it different rules for them...."
If you have a complaint then put pen to paper or email it to her and it will be replied to - moaning about it on the Sportsbar forum will get you nowhere...
"If that's right about she's admitted to lying in that letter she should be sacked by The PM. Think we should all write to him demanding he does just that...she's a disgrace"
The keyword there, my friend, is 'If' - Why don't you find out the truth by enquiring and then you can 'all' write to the PM with your 'demands' - don't believe everything you see in print, (apart from my stuff obviously) after all, tickets were being offered based on Denis Laws' Sportsbar appearance after he had cancelled!
"you write it i,ll sign it - along with whoever else.."
With whoever else, that can write, i presume?
"Customers do not count only small minded neighbours have a say"
Why not send in a letter of support for 'The Man' rather than just talk about it?
"THERE ARE ALOT OF MY CUSTOMERS THINK ITS WRONG SHALL WE START A PETITION ?"
Actually a PARTITION would be more appropriate! So that the residents of Oldswinford do not have to look at all the tasteless signage and whatever edifice 'The Man' has decided to erect to outflank the Local Authority to house his 'flock' in. The last, above, comment was from one Julie Hale the proprietor of Redneck Takeaway the, so far, unlicensed vendor that has put a legitimate licensed business................out of business - well done Julie ! I hope somebody starts selling unlicensed beer adjacent to The Chav Arms with a free burger thrown in.
Below - 'Julies' Takeaway' after a 'makeover' to reflect the political views of the proprietors.
(pers comm via Billy Two-Skanks who has frequented the establishment but is now recovering).
"old swinford is a respectable area and the sports bar is a respectable pub - this dos,nt add up..." And your point being?
"The pubs been there a lot longer than the houses.....perhaps they should have considered this before moving in, it's not as if your open til 2 or 3am. Only gripe I would agree with em is when people block there drives... But that's not the pubs fault that people don't park with a bit of consideration..." I don't actually think that it's the pub that is the problem i will leave it for you to decide who is the problem and as for consideration, that would appear to be in very short supply.
"I have been Going to the cross sports bar now for about 3 years and visiting regularly on a Friday, Saturday, and a Sunday evenings and have never seen or heard any unsocial activity whilst I have been on the premises or upon leaving them. ..." Congratulations, they ought to have you stuffed, mounted and put on display, you sir are a model customer. Are you available to take tea with Margot this week?
Below - Sportsbar customers struggle to think of something 'nice' to say in their letter to Margot.
I have'nt got some of my facts quite right, according to her - as most but not all of the blog rant is a piss-take i am unsure of quite what i have got wrong but i will attempt to rectify if possible. Bear in mind that Wayne has been taking the piss out of the residents of Oldswinford for 5 years, sticking 2 fingers up to the Local Authority, attempting to cow the local MP into apologising and more recently selling tickets based on an appearance by Denis Law which had been cancelled by his agent because Wayne wanted Denis to sign some memorabilia, which he refused to.
Stourbridge News - Thursday 3rd September 2009.
Quote -
FORMER Manchester United and Scotland ace Denis Law has claimed the owner of an Oldswinford pub is trying to sell tickets for a Q&A session with him despite knowing the footballer will not be making an appearance.
The website for The Cross Sports bar in Oldswinford - sportsbaroldswinford - advertises that the man who famously relegated the Red Devils while wearing the sky blue of arch rivals Man City will be visiting the Glass House Hill venue on Monday September 21.
It says tickets are available priced £15 standing, £20 seated and £450 for a table of ten.
But Mr Law, through his agent Alan Platt, has told the Stourbridge News he will definitely not be attending.
Mr Platt said: “We were approached for Denis to appear for a question-and-answer session and agreed.
“But when we looked at the pub’s website it became obvious that all such visiting personalities were also expected to sign memorabilia as well and Denis is not prepared to do that because such items swiftly appear on the internet for sale.
“Denis is already contracted exclusively to two companies to sign memorabilia, it is a step we were forced to take after an order of service he signed at John Charles’ funeral appeared for sale within 48 hours.”
Mr Platt says he never had written confirmation from The Cross owner Wayne Etheridge to confirm the booking and told Mr Etheridge by telephone on July 29 that Mr Law would not be attending for this reason.
He says he spoke to Mr Etheridge’s father Ted on August 1 and again stated Mr Law would not attend despite the offer of a further £1,000 on top of the £4,000 appearance fee agreed.
Mr Platt says he then wrote to Mr Etheridge on August 5 confirming his client’s non-attendance. He claims he emailed Mr Etheridge on September 1 asking him to remove the advert from the pub’s website and Mr Etheridge replied claiming he had never received written confirmation of the footballer’s non-attendance.
Mr Platt added: “In the first instance we didn’t want people to turn up expecting Denis to sign memorabilia and be disappointed.
“The last thing we want now is for Denis to be blamed in any way for not turning up on the night.”
But pub owner Wayne Etheridge is refusing to remove publicity announcing Mr Law’s visit and says he has yet to have written confirmation the footballer will not be there.
He told the News: “As far as I’m concerned I have a written contract stating Denis Law will attend.
“I could have been speaking to anybody on the phone and until I have written confirmation to the contrary I’m presuming Mr Law will be here to fulfill that contract.”
Mr Etheridge says he has already sold more than 200 tickets and has paid £650 in costs for advertising the event and for signwriting at the pub.
He says no tickets have been sold for three weeks and current enquiries are dealt with by explaining he is in negotiations with Mr Law’s agent.
He added: “If I receive notice in writing that Mr Law will not be here I will pay the signwriter to put boards up announcing Mr Law has decided not to attend and will take out adverts to that effect in the local press.
“I will also give photocopies of the signed contract out to anyone whom I refund for tickets they have bought for the event.”
Below - Denis jogging past The Cross and indicating to Wayne that he wants 2 Grand the next time he appears!
Below - Denis' agents 'discuss' making Wayne an offer he can't refuse...
Apparantly Wayne employs his Dad and not the other way round! Wayne is obviously his own man but would you employ this man? (below). BTW unlike the pictures of Wayne (further below), this image has not undergone digital enhancement!
Not a pretty sight is it!
Wayne does'nt do drugs - i never said he did - he just looks like a druggie IMO!
Below - Artists impression of Wayne if he did drugs!
I am happy t0 set one or two facts straight i hope this clarifies the situation somewhat.
Wayne has been quiet for a couple of weeks possibly licking his wounds after his last spat with the scum that live adjacent to him, sorry, neighbours that just will not live and let live........... or...... grooming Margot to be 'his bitch' (for publicity purposes only you understand).
Below - Wayne, out walking with his faithful Margot.
In the absence of anything 'new' and with 'a lot of time on my hands' - allegedley, research has revealed that, using the cover of the recent World Cup, alien sightings in Oldswinford have been more active than usual. Some of Waynes' off-world 'friends' decided to pay him a visit whilst the rest of the nation was distracted. Obviously it would be a narrow 'window' of opportunity because locals would be ever-vigilant once England had been knocked out of the competition! (2 weeks max usually).
"WEIRD GLOW IN THE SKY"
The above was reported by keen-eyed local, Cleetus, who, when not working as a part-time glory-hole down Lower High Street is a sky-watcher. Here is his first-hand account....
Below - Cleetus, 'Sky-Watcher' and part-time glory-hole.
"Welll we was juz 'bout gettin'ready fer a hawg roast when my two wives, sorry sizters, gott all frit wen they a-sawd tha bigeest goddam glow in ther sky. I sez fer freaks sake is that goddam peckerhead DuWayne upto summit agen at The Crawss, 'cos he's allays messin about upsettin' tha loculz an all...One of ma wives, sorry agen, siztas said it aint heem and he don't do no drurrgz anyhows - so i thowt ? wot ther ferk cud it bee? - so i moseyd on down as near as i could to the carr park and same as DuWayne is wen he gets a lettre offa tha' Sherrif, i wuz gobsmacked! Sure 'nuff.......I managed a coupla pics of tha YooFow and some more when it landed by the perb".
Below, weird glow with UFO over Oldswinford.
Above, Cleetus' wives, sorry sisters, awe-struck whilst preparing the hog-roast.
Below, left, an awestruck Swincross road resident observes the craft landing.
Above, right, 'Mother ship' on The Cross' car park.
'ALIEN CRAFT MOVES IN MYSTERIOUS WAY'
For reasons, known only to itself, the craft tracked erratically across the West Midlands region stopping only twice before landing in Oldswinford. Oddly the two locations at which the craft loitered were buildings that have both had negative associations with The Etheridges and surrounding residents - could this be more than a coincidence?!!!
Below - the craft seen hovering adjacent to 'The Ponce of Wales', Hagley.
Above - local UFO spotters tracking the craft at 'The Royal Oak', Amblecote.
"CHARIOTS OF THE GODS"
Further research, previously regarded as 'amateur speculation' now adds credence to Erich Von Dannikens 70's best-seller, 'Chariots of the Gods' which, since the West Midlands sightings, has been hastily reprinted in English and Esperanto.
Other vague 'sightings' which, up until now, have been dismissed as 'not substantiated' or merely written anecdotal evidence would, perhaps, bear closer scrutiny......
Why, for example, are the stone monoliths on Easter Island all facing the same way?, could it be.....
What was the real purpose of Stonehenge?
(N.B. - It is now thought that 'Stonehenge' is a corruption of the old Anglo-Saxon, Celtic/Norse word that describes the trancelike condition of the assembled Druids after imbibing a heady cocktail of drinks derived from local plants after celebrating the first God-like chariot.
This condition was known as StownedEth - but we know that " Wayne does'nt do drugs"!!!
Careful research in the vaults of the British Library, the Vatican book repository and Wikipedia have revealed the following passage documented by the Roman historian Tacitus AD56-117. Tacitus' notes documented his father-in-law Agricolas campaign in Northern Britain and the establishment of Hadrians wall (117-).
You only have to imagine the scenario - a Roman guard several thousand kilometres from home and keeping a lonely vigil for the possible return of the local Pictii (The Painted Ones) sees, instead, an eerie, ethereal shape in the sky...
I quote, directly from Tacitus "fottere me quello sembra un ragno tenda" which roughly translates as "Fuck me, it's a Spider tent!"
The above is considered highly subjective but it cannot be denied, by even the most skeptical, that there does seem to be tantalising links between the pre-historic, documented and to the present day periods.
Indeed, further research has revealed that this string of documented but anecdotal 'sightings' can now be substantiated with disturbing images that have appeared at times of historical importance, most notably when England was under pressure from foreign 'invaders. These records show that the appearance of the 'Mother ship' signalled a change in the history of these shores!
Hard to believe is'nt it? Well, look with your own eyes.............
Careful examination of the Arch of Constantines' Triumphal Victory Frieze reveals an object thought to bring the blessing of the Gods during battle. It is thought that the object was first seen during the first extensive landings on Brittanica of 55 and 54 BC and then later in 43 AD.
Below, note the strange object carved on a Roman shield.
Next up - the Norman landings at Pevensey in..............1066, a year seared into the nations' memory. A previously unseen, but now fully restored section of 'new' tapestry at Bayeux reveals an 'omen' described by the young Guilliame and incorporated into the embroidery upon his return.
Below - the fully restored section complete with the strange object.
After much conjecture by renowned historians far and wide, local-history buff and Oldswinford hard-man, himself believed to be of Huguenot descent, Professor Roberto Plombier has no doubt that the object depicted in the famous cloth is the same as the 'alien craft' that landed in The Cross' car park and a quick pencil sketch over a pint shows an artists impression of Harold being distracted by the 'Mother ship' just at the wrong moment.
Below - Harold, distracted, gets an Eiffel.
The implications of Harolds' mortal wounding were enormous and we are still feeling the effects today. The only other knight available on the battlefield to take command was the untried and untrusted 'Etheridge the Unready'! Whose battle cry was "who cares who wins, mines' a pint" - the rest, as they say is history......
Below - Etheridge the Unready commemorated in a stained glass panel in The Cross PH at Oldswinford.
P.S. this window has now become a regional shrine for the localised, garrulous and highly aggresive 'Chaves' tribe whose Burberry apparel, strange headgear and mass-chanting of "Rooooney, Roooooney, Rooooooney" makes them a most distinctive feature of the area. Local folklore states that the God-like face of 'Etheridge the Unready' can be seen to shed a tear every time the pub receives a letter of complaint from the Council.
Finally - now that wartime documentation and photographs have been made available under the 50-year ruling the real reason why the assault on Hitlers 'Festung Europa' can be revealed. Allied radio monitering intercepted what was thought to be aircraft pertaining to one of the Nazis' infamous V projects and postponed the landings by a day (June 5th) until the perceived threat had disappeared. The landings took place a day later on June 6th 1944 - mysteriously almost continuous cloud cover enveloped the Normanday coast from Caen to St Malo and the Cotentin Peninsula. The allies were dismayed, Eisenhower could'nt sleep, not even with his mistress, Patton spent the day arm-wrestling and drinking heavily with war Correspondent Ernest Hemingway and Churchill indulged his passion of brick-laying whilst the rest of the nation was shitting them!
The Allies luck was in, the initial wave of landings reported a mysterious object that the German defences tried to shoot down but to no avail and the rest as they say is history......
Below, D-Day landings and the mysterious craft above the Normandy coast.
'OLDSWINFORD SIGHTING LIKENED TO 'ROSWELL' INCIDENT'
It only natural to speculate on why the 'Mother ship' chose the Oldswinford area and more specifically The Cross in which to dock for "about 2 hours", according to a local 'observer'.
StourbridgeRantBoy along with local contact Billy2Skanks were given unprecedented access to transcripts supplied by the MOD, RAF and USAFE from their listening stations at Northolt, GCHQ and Fylingdales in North Yorkshire. These logs reveal heavily encrypted, radio traffic of a previously unknown type and so complicated that it still took a team of Ukrainian Hackers, Nigerian Spammers, dedicated Porn downloaders and sad West Midlands' blokes looking for Thai brides days to break!
'THE MATCH'
GCHQ records made available shows transcripts that kept referring to 'The Match" and to a mysterious God-like figure (or possibly somebody that thinks he's God). Somebody that has the power to do whatever they like without considerations to others. This is often a feature of God-like figures, they tend to surround themselves with sycophants and converts and the 'visitors' gave this person they were looking for the code-name............WAYNE. I must admit, at first, the name Wayne does'nt sound all-powerful and omnipotent but there again neither did Caligula, Hitler or Pol Pot so what's in a name, Wayne?
ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNEEEEEEY
The mystery deepens when the 'observers' appear to confuse the God-like landlord of The Cross with the God-like International footballer, chav-icon and renowned Shrek-alike Wayne Rooney.
It now appears that 'The Match' refers to Englands final game against Germany. So it seems that our 'friends' had just turned up to watch the footie and like everybody else had parked awkwardly and without consideration to the local residents, and nobody likes strangers..............The Cross 'landing' not only coincided with the England vs Germany match, but as fate would have it, the incumbents inside The Cross had had planning permission for several jousting tents with attendant fast-food vendors refused by the Local Authority during the World Cup.
Below - punters from The Cross being summoned to 'The Match'.
Above, contented 'visitors' mingle with the locals and explain the 'offside' rule.
Whilst others, below, made full use of the 'facilities'.
Below - this convict, sorry convert said "it was an experience he would never....forg......fffor...oh fuck it"
To me, as somebody who is passionate about everything non-sporting it does'nt seem worth the bother to set stuff up for the short period that 'our lads' will be participating but 'it's a funny old game innit?'
It would appear that the 'off-worlders' had docked at The Cross for a number of reasons, not just 'the footie'. They had come to make contact with 2 of their own. Wayne and his cronies were duly summoned to the 'Mother ship' and in return for watching 'the footie' to bring plenty of crap beer and a variety of "your earthly drugs" to sample. Artery-blocking fast food was provided by Redneck Takeaways as Olivers had previously told Wayne to "go and fuck himself".
'The Match' itself was, as anticipated, a huge disappointment. The England team just played like the usual 11 disinterested, unmotivated multi-millionaires that we have come to expect these days. Even the God-like presence of Rooney had little effect. Various reasons and excuses have been put forward for his lack of form. I just think that he could'nt be arsed and was preoccupied with the thought of working as a body-double on Shrek 4. However, there might have been more subtle reasons for his lack of interest........
ROONEY, 'ODD' BEHAVIOUR HOURS BEFORE BIG MATCH...
Let's face it Wayne is a bit odd-looking, i'm talking about Rooney now but my statement refers to both of them. They have shared characters.
1. Most aliens are bald, Roonies' locks have gone South and Eths have seen better days.
2. Both think they have power and influence that mere mortals and neighbours just do not understand.
3. Both earn far too much money, this being provided by people that are silly enough to attend a venue to just sit there and watch them.
4. Both have infuriated people time and time again
5. Both have an unhealthy interest by aliens taken in them.
Rooneys' mind was just not on his game that day - you won't need reminding just how important this game was and who the opponents were. To the assembled converts in the 'Mother ship' this day was as important as the landings at Deal,Pevensey and Normandy put together and it was the 'krauts for fucks' sake! Wayne had been complaining of headaches, on and off, all day and had skived off training on the pretence of shopping for a 'present' for his beloved wife and chavette icon the lovely Colleen. He was last seen entering a pet shop of all places but as his attention had been apt to wander recently perhaps he was getting some tips on how to stay focused from one of the Goldfish? Either way, his minders thought nothing of it...
There's no point in banging on about 'The Match' - it was shite and that's all there is to it. But careful examination of video footage along with a disturbing image obtained by bribing an airport security officer reveals the real reason for Wayne being off form. Whilst exiting the pitch he is seen, discreetly to look upwards and....................shockingly consume a small, White, rodent! Proof indeed of his off-worldly roots.
Below - Wayne leaves the pitch, gazes skywards with the telltale remains.....
So, Rooney, is in fact .........an alien and the 'Mother ship' on the car park is here to make 'first contact' with, what 'they' consider, a very primitive life form. A video-grab as the players dejectedly leave the pitch shows Wayne receiving a signal to join the other God-like Wayne as soon as he can and possibly sign a few souveniers if his agent allows.
Below - an image from the airport security camera clearly shows a receiver implanted in Waynes' head.
As for the other Wayne, Etheridge that is, it soon became clear that it was some sort of family reunion with a few piss-heads thrown in! A large proportion of Waynes' new 'friends' bore an unhealthy and unearthly resemblance to 'The Man' himself. Below is a selection of WALIENS covertly snapped by local resident Cleetus.
Living proof that you should not marry your cousins........
The 'Mother ship' departed as suddenly and as quietly as it arrived leaving no trace of its', all too brief visit, although, brief mention was given to an unusual crop-circle that appeared locally. Perhaps this was a final message to Wayne from the 'visitors'? Who knows?
Below - a final ,cryptic, message for Wayne from...........distant.......relatives?
Wayne says - "pop in for a few beers to the only Chav sanctuary for miles, make loads of noise, park inconsiderately, piss up the wall on your way out - Fuck the Council, i'll drink to that!"
If you have enjoyed this rant, there are others to view including more on 'The Man' and his headline-grabbing antics up in OldswinfordTown.
STOP PRESS
The hunt for the Bin-Laden of Oldswinford continues. He was rumoured to be hiding in the former Steel Rolling Mills down at the Moorings. Dramatic footage supplied by a covert ECU (Etheridge Cleansing Unit) show a strike called in only days ago. Whether it was successful or not only time will tell.....................
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3XnL-zGE6Vk
RANT OVER
