Lord SmugCunt of Dooblin............and with trademark safety glasses daft hat and huge ego.
Below - Celebrity lookalikes, don't you just feel sorry for them?
Above - BONO................Robin Williams and......Roy Orbison.
Apologies - it's a bit of a slow-moving target. He could be COTW every week.
I mean, he almost wants to email me to plead 'please, please, make meee COOOOOONT of the week ev'ry feckin' week, oi know yooz cud give to either STING or GELDOFF but oi'm more of a Coont dan dey will ever be!'
Below - BONO, said to be 'overjoyed' and looking forward to receiving it for a 2nd time in the not too distant future.
Do'nt worry mate it can be arranged......
So i am making Paul David Hewson COTW to coincide with U2's headlining appearance at Glasto.Where, in order to reduce U2's carbon footprint, despite flying everywhere by personal LearJet the centre-stage lighting for the weekend will be illuminated by the very light that....................................Shines out of BONO's arse!
Above - revellers make their way to centre stage ecologically lit by the light that shines' from BONO's arsehole!
Eavis, above, took time off from his BarnRaising to speak briefly on this 'World 1st'.
"I did try and dissuade BONO from harnessing the light from his arse and suggested that he exercise some sphincter control in order not to damage peoples eyesight but he said that he would only participate if it was all or nothing and that decades of anal sex with 'The Edge' had left his lower bowel permanently damaged and that once he took his Y-fronts off that was it!
BONO and The Edge
'Just good friends'............................'Honestly'.
Above - rehearsing for Glasto, The Edge tuning up despite his trousers still being covered in BONO's spunk...
Michael also added that although he was very pleased that he had finally got BONO and the boys to play Glasto the fact that this weekend had coincided with him being chosen as CUNT OF THE WEEK would make it a gig to remember.
He was also asked what he thought of an alleged stencil of him on a local building as rapper JZ but he just walked off muttering that BANKSY was a pain in the arse and just causes trouble every year.
Below - alleged JZeavis.
THE 'PRANKSY' INCIDENT
Above - a little known prank by 'Banksy' was to gain entry to ONOBs' luxury on-site motorhome at Glasto, stencil his forehead and depart before the ink dried. Upon awaking BONO was informed of the jape but decided to retain the graffiti due to its' celebrity cult (yes....cult) status. But as he only ever saw it in the mirror he kept asking what a 'TAWT' was? When, during a quiet moment, with The Edge, he was duly informed he was none too pleased!
Above - ONOB on being told that he had been 'Banksy'd'........."Bring me the head of that feckin' little Bristolian TAWT!!!!!!"
Ironically enough, Bono vox (good voice) is derived from a shop called Bonavox in Dublin that specialised(ises) in wait for it........hearing aids!
As if you would need a hearing aid with BONO in the same county/country.
And - what is with the 'hat and glasses' combo? Apparantly he needs to wear them because of his sensitive eyes 'if a camera flash goes off then it affects me all day if i do'nt where my glasses'
Bullshit - has his eyes become sensitive only over the last 20+ years? Or just since he has become a vain, vacuous 'celebrity', Oh and a tax-dodging cunt.
Above - he did'nt need the glasses during his 'gay-bar' 'batty-boy' period!......Did he?
Above - 30+ years down the line, never without the glasses and hat - i have pair like that that i use when i am strimming the lawn.
Below - an actual picture of the young ONOB.
"what do you want to be when you grow up young Paul?........A feckin' Rock star mummy!"
Above - one has perfectly natural female reproductive organs the other one is a cunt.
Above - what a pair of reproductive female organs.
Then there is the ongoing issue of the bands so-called 'tax-avoidance' i.e. the movement of a vast amount of their funds from The Emerald Isle to Holland in order to avoid a change in Irish law which would have involved paying some tax. They say that they pay World tax as 95% of their earnings are earnt outside Ireland - i would like to see that argument given a bit more scrutiny.
What galls most people i.e. the non U2 fans - the ones that can see the light, the light beyond the light that is being emitted from his arse is that he is more than willing to push the cause of Third World povery, particularly Africa notably with his mealy-mouthed hand-wringing croney 'Bob the Gob' Geldoff. Demanding that we, the great British public, who are amongst the most generous on the planet (just see our Overseas Aid budget, that's definately worth a blog) hand over our hard-earned, post-tax monies to charities, some, of dubious aims, in the cause of ending World poverty.
"Sorry' oi have'nt actually got any money moiself, it's all in Holland but oi can give youse a pirate DVD of me 'an The Edge, with the deleted scenes".
FUCK OFF YOU SUPER-RICH TWO-FACED POLITICIAN ARSE-LICKING CUNT............
Above - ONOB declined an audience with The Pope and instead had one with God instead!
On average less than 10% of the bulk of these charities incomes actually gets anywhere near their good causes the remainder trickles down slowly or is laundered away by crooked locals.
Health, birth control and self sufficient food are the key,sustainable, causes. Not arms procurement by their governments, growing of exportable cash crops e.g. cut flowers in the Kenyan Highlands (vast use of water resources mainly Dutch-owned) and bribery/corruption endemic at every level.
Provide the means to grow and harvest food not sackfuls of grain. Fairtrade is a good example.
Look at your own lifestyle and carbon footprint Mr BONO before you lecture and pontificate to the 'great unwashed' like me! You have 4 kids, how are you bringing them up? What values are you instilling in them? Presumably they will be Catholic, do you promote birth control or the good old 'rythmn method'?
Above - i'm sure you would like another child, BONO, but i'm afraid Madonna's already put a deposit on this one.......
He is alleged, once on stage, to have been clapping his hands and shouting "every toime oi clap moi 'ands a lickle bayby dies in Africa" - To which somebody replied "Well stop fucking clapping them then!"
I do'nt think he imparts that little gem anymore.
Above - now that fucking hat is really getting on my nerves.
Below - still, just good friends.
At least NOBO and the boys are going to turn up this year unlike 2010 where they cancelled due to 'mystery' back injury. The official line is below..........
U2 cancel Glastonbury and US tour after Bono's injury
The singer, 50, had a back operation on Friday after suffering an injury while training in preparation for the tour.
Neurosurgeon Joerg Tonn said: "The surgery was the only course of treatment for full recovery and to avoid further paralysis."
RUMOURS
Unofficially, various 'conspiracy' theories abounded that in order to face an audience of his critics with regard to his ongoing tax 'status' he had undergone a spine implant or that years of anal abuse with his 'close friend' The Edge had so damaged his arsehole that their was a very real danger that his cherished wish of lighting The Pyramid stage through said orifice would be nothing more that a 'pipe' dream. But, in the end in turned out that he had just fallen off of one of his wallets and suffered no more than a bruised ego!
BONO wasnt the only one dissapointed here's another irate ticketholder.............
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LD1v0a4PkhA&feature=relatedHITCH-HIKING INCIDENT
Despite orders to keep a safer profile this years date at Glasto nearly suffered a repeat scenario when, whilst walking with a friend (no, not The Edge!) in Edmonton (no, the one in Canada!) it started raining. He was picked up by a passing motorist.
Driver Picks Up Hitchhicker ... and It's Bono
The driver, naturally got chatting, could'nt get much of a word in, the 'stranger' just seemed to want to talk about himself all the time and then, when there was a gap in the gobshite he dropped out that he was non other than the famous, iconic rock legend ONOB there was only one thing the hapless driver could do.............rain or no rain.......http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoCVIA-FgV0
Well i suppose i had better hurry up and get this posted while it's still relevant as U2's gig took place last night. The boys played to 'mixed' reviews. Obviously the 'happy-clappy' ONOB-worshippers loved every nano-second of it. GOD was'nt happy so he opened up the clouds and pissed all over ONOB making his faggoty leather trousers look like The Edge had been dribbling over them backstage. He also tried to get the crowd to sing along to 'Jerusalem' i presume there must be a song of their own in their repertoire i cannot imagine him doing William Blakes' classic! The end result was basically ONOB's very own 'a capella' i.e on his own (a capella actually means in the manner of a church or chapel, a solo or a group singing without musical accompaniment) as not even the audience wanted to join in. The evening was'nt without incident when a group of, peaceful, protesters tried to raise a balloon emblazoned with 'U PAY TAX 2' But before they could get it aloft they were jumped on and threatend by a bunch of U2's, over-reactionary, thuggish, minders.
I wonder if they were being paid 'cash in hand'?
Another vainglorious wheeze that fell flat on its' arse was NOBO's attempt to get the assembled brethren to hold their mobile phones up and film him whilst on stage - yeah lets all get our mobiles or precious iphones wet filming you - feck off!
Above - Eavis and......................................Butthead.
Below are a selection of images and NOBOQUOTES from the evening -
Above - ONOB illuminating the Pyramid with the light that shines from his arse.
"Look at you, a whole city in the rain" - after 3 days of being pissed on and pissed off thanks' for reminding us.......Bono!
Above - excited 'revellers' eagerly waiting for the stage to be lit with the light that shines from 'The Mans' arse sporting their newly-acquired HSE-reccomended (Health and Safety Executive? No, Happy Smiling Eavis) safety glasses.
"I arrived a Pilgrim, I leave a Believer" - get the twat drug-tested straight away!
Above - BONO and The Edge performing as only 'good friends' can.
"Could be the leylines, could be the jetlag, but it's a very special feeling being here" - Just blame it on the boogie.......
Above - some not-so-loyal fans reminding ONOB that they still have'nt found out what they are looking for i.e. some tax revenue.
"Look, we have friends in space!" - he then proceeded to get one of the astronauts (presumably the one who drew the short straw) from the International Space Station to recite some of the lyrics from one of U2's songs. First Paul Macca then this, all the crowd at Glasto need now is an impromptu serenade in the pissing rain from Cliff fucking Richard. We do'nt know what the other astronauts were doing but we do know that 'In Space Nobody Can Hear You Scream'.
Above - BONO revealing at a, pre-Glasto, press conference that, following his 'back' operation last year he also underwent experimental surgery on his anus. Consequently, ground-breaking medical techniques has meant that he is now able to control the aperture of his sphincter in order to successfully bathe the Pyramid in wholly natural light that will be emitted from just his arse! In order to avoid any pre-emittance the beam can only be released with a special 'SMARTARSE' card - just one swipe or 'ARSEWIPE' will open the 'chosen' ones' legendary orifice or back-pussy as it is known by the male groupies. Furthermore there are only 2 of these cards in existance. the one that ONOB is holding and the one kept by The Edge under his pillow........
I consider it a real pity and a lost opportunity that a complementary card could not be developed to swipe the smile off of his smug, sanctimonious Mick face!
Above, left - The Edge and BONO and right an artists' impression without the make-up, plastic surgery, crazy glasses and beanie hat.
AND FINALLY............
What actually is....The Edge? Edge of reason?, Edge of reality. Edge of Darkness? C'mon give us a fecking clue.....
Remember - youse 'aint sin me, roight!
