GARY SPEED...................LIVES ON!!!

First off, this post is not in any way meant to be dis-respectful.

For whatever reason the poor chap has decided to end it all and shuffle off this mortal coil. The chances are, unless he left a note to his wife and kids (let's hope he has) we will never know what drives somebody to carry out the ultimate act of taking your own life.

The airwaves both Radio and TV are full of tributes etc etc.

He lives on in at least a couple of celeb doppelgangers.

The real Gary.


Eric Bana - Actor.


And, Jose Mourinho - football impresario.


I, personally, have never heard of him, i honestly cannot recall ever hearing of him and i listen to Radio 5 a lot and do not live in the Tora Bora cave system. Mind you, anything to do with the Welsh football team would hardly be worth listening to anyway so maybe it just did'nt register enough to make my ears prick up?

Below - the familiar view from my cave system.


I have to declare an interest, i am not the slightest interest in groups of over-rated millionaires kicking a fucking football about for a couple of hours or so. The 'beautiful' game became tarnished with too much money, too many games, drug-taking etc a long time ago, for me anyway.

Oh, and do'nt start me off on that cunt Sepp Blatter - the Jabba the Hutt of F.I.F.A..............

Below - SeppJabba.


Not to be confused with a Set Platter (something to which he is not unfamiliar with).


Or a StepLadder, something which he is probably totally unfamiliar with.


F I F A = Fuck, It's Football Again.......................

Of course Sepp Blatter is not just a 'soundalike' he also has his own Doppelgangers.

Below, left - the real Sepp and right, doppelganger Mohammed al-Fayed with Tony Curtis...


Who looks like a Voldemort body-double who is not unlike........Sir Patrick Stewart who....



Bears a resemblance to Sir Ben Kingsley who is a Ralph Fiennes-a-like?.........


Back to the topic of the post!

Nicky Campbell, he of Radio5 presentational fame is dedicating his 9-10 phone-in, this morning, for people to ring in if they have had somebody commit suicide or they have lost somebody close to them and how they have coped.........

You could have that phone-in any old day of the week.

Let's have a dedicated phone-in every time that a British soldier is killed in Afghanistan and the effect that it has had on his/her family, friends and fellow soldiers. That might make the MP's who send them out there a little bit more uncomfortable in their or their mistresses' beds!

Below, Wootton Bassett - 'lest we forget'.


Aaaaaah - MP's and mistresses, the height of indulgence to have a Currie in bed!


Unfortunately because it's a 'Sleb' it is considered newsworthy - Yes 'it's sad but it's also a fact.

More suicide facts....................An estimated 4,000 people commit suicide every year, an estimated 1 Million worldwide, that is a minimum, the true figure is not known.

That is, an average of, 109 people a day - obviously there are peaks and troughs, there is probably somebody who actually has thrown themselves off a peak and ended up in a trough!

75% of suicides are committed by men.

Females between 15 and 19 attempt the most suicides.

Self-poisoning is the most common method of attempted suicide at over 3/4.

The Golden Gate bridge in California is the Worlds' most popular 'destination'. England, however, can 'boast' 2 out of the top ten, namely - Beachy Head in Sussex. One notable incident involved the local Lifeboat that had been called out to pick up somebody who had just jumped and was still alive in the water when somebody else drove off in a car and nearly hit the Lifeboat! You could'nt make it up!

Clifton suspension bridge, in Bristol, is also a popular venue with attempts well into double figures but has now been much reduced by new safety restrictions. One notable attempt was in 1885, a 22-year-old woman named Sarah Ann Henley survived a fall from the bridge when her billowing skirts acted as a parachute, and subsequently lived into her eighties!

The best view, in my experience is usually from the top of the bridge, not the bottom.

At the time of writing mystery still surrounds the circumstances of his death and why he hung himself in his garage, statistically very few people use this location and method as garages are usually so full of non car-related crap there is'nt fucking room!


R.I.P. but do'nt forget another 108 did the same thing yesterday.

StourbridgeRantBoy is also a fan of dogs.



Just say 'no'.....................to minarets!

CHARLIE GILMOUR - DARK SIDE OF THE MAN................................

Is'nt it funny how prisms' can bend the light? The image that enters can emerge uncannily distorted.



I was'nt going to spend time on Photoshop working on the above image as i thought, 'prisms' to good for him'! But i thought that if i can combine a manipulated image with a subtle play on words then it would be time well spend and, literally, brighten up a dull day.............

Charlie is a 'metaphorical' prism of sorts. Pampered , good education, plenty of pocket money. All this put in and what emerges the other side is drug abuse, an ungodly amount of hubris, too much time on his fucking hands and a penchant for criminal damage, incitement and trashing of iconic war memorials.

CHARLIE GILMOUR = GLAMOUR RICH LIE

Things have moved on since the previous 2 posts...............

Chuck was initially confined to HMP Wandsworth, a Victorian penal edifice if ever there was one. At aged 21 he was the youngest inmate there. He received copious reading material from, 'friend of the family' none other than Elton John! Maybe Reg could pull a few strings and supply him with contacts inside that would be 'gentle' with young Charlie...........Meanwhile he had the obligatory Facebook page set up to 'Free Charlie Gilmour' - a pity i could'nt be bothered to set up a 'Fuck Charlie Gilmour' but maybe i will leave that to his 'new friends', perhaps something along the lines of 'I Fucked Charlie Gilmour'?

I would buy that T-shirt! -


Above - 'old friend' and right................'new friends'.


He has also had an open letter from a bunch of Cambridge 'Dons' and another from a high-up prison official bemoaning the severity of his fate. Considering his background it will be one hell of a culture shock..................for the bank robber that he shared the cell with!

Perhaps a word with another 'Don' might have led to a reduction in the sentence?


He claimed to have not known that he was swinging from The Cenotaph due to the heady cocktail of drugs and alcohol - i would be more concerned that a Cambridge History student did not know what the Cenotaph was? BTW Cenotaph means 'empty tomb', what a CenoCunt!

CHARLIE GILMOUR = HEROIC GLUM LIAR

In addition to the public outrage, baying media and point-scoring politicians there was positive and negative reaction from opposing 'interests.

Below - one RAF veteran described the sentence as 'harsh'.

Above - his Mums' initial comment was 'I'm as ashamed of him as he is of himself'.


This will probably be 'the last post' on Chaz as i do not see him courting publicity anytime soon.

If you wish to view the previous post on the crazy dudes gap year then click the link below -
http://stourbridgerantboy.blogspot.com/2011/07/charlie-gilmours-gap-year2.html

If you're a glutton for punishment then you can take a look at the original post, just click below -

http://stourbridgerantboy.blogspot.com/2010/12/charlie-gilmour-just-another-prick-on.html

Below - Chazs' mum, Polly - MILF of the month for me!


Despite numerous tweets from his Mum, the Author, Polly Samson saying that he was misunderstood and he never 'knew' his Father, the Poet, Heathcote Williams.

Below is resume of his dads' antics.

Heathcote Williams (who was born John Henley Jasper Heathcote-Williams in 1941) had set up an anarchist ‘state’ — a squat called Frestonia — in the middle of London back in the Seventies, which proclaimed itself independent of Britain, with Williams himself serving as ‘ambassador to the UK’.

Later, he would declare war on the car (which included a call to arms to his compatriots to vandalise vehicles by ‘slashing their tyres’, ‘shoving potatoes up the exhaust’ and ‘slashing brake-fluid on to the bodywork’).

Needless to say, he also caused havoc while a student at Oxford — turning up to his law finals in an SS uniform, a stunt that resulted in him being kicked out of the university.

And these were not the only entries on Heathcote Williams’ colourful CV. He worked briefly as a professional fire-eater.

When he met Samson, he already had two daughters with another woman, Diana Senior. Williams and Samson weren’t together long, but she got pregnant almost immediately.

No mention of herself being expelled from Newton Abbott Grammer School, he still went to Jail. When i say Jail i mean the obligatory short stay in somewhere percieved as 'hard' before being whisked off to somewhere much leafier for the remainder of his 'confinement. In Chucks' case it was rural Norfolk and Wayland Prison.

The prison is situated near the sleepy hamlet of Cheyne Stoking deep in the heart of the East Anglian countryside and welcomes careful drivers!




Above - HMP Wayland, for wayland girls and boys.

Note the flag fluttering from the top of the building, it might be worth lowering it for the duration of Charlies stay as if we need any reminder of why he was in in the first place.


He has a 'thing' about flags does Charlie.

He was'nt being disrespectful it was merely an extension of his childhood activites, after all, all kidz climb don't they?


Above - upon release from 'Clinky' Charlie says he's going straight............... straight down the pub for a fucking drink and a celebratory joint and will spend his time social-climbing instead. No surprises there!

No doubt the, no less than, 13 testimonials given as his 'character' reference including Alan Yentob, majority BBC shareholder and a homeless charity has helped with the sentencing. He did some work for them during his gap year. Gap year? What the fuck is he on now? Smuggled drugs? He does'nt need some smack, he needs a smack!

Whilst inside Charlie took solace from a smuggled copy of his Mothers' short stories of course when he gets out he can write his own short story regarding the length of his prison sentence.

(You are not going to believe this - as i type, this book is actually being read as the Book At Bedtime on Radio 4 - you could'nt make it up!)

ROLY BIRKIN QC, defending Charlie for solicitors Corker-Binning put up a superb fight for the lad. Here he describes the bonfire party that Charlie missed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NPiGJBHVadA



He got 16 months of which he will only do 8 of which he has only done 4 and is now out, in time for Crimbo with a shiny new ankle braclet to show his mates back in Brighton and Girton.

He has'nt wasted his time in clinky, there's sooooo much to do and with Charlies' much-reduced sentence so little time in which to do it! Gone are the days when you broke rocks all day in the rain or sewed mail bags and then relaxed with a spot of anal sex in the small hours.

You can indulge your interests, hobbies or learn new skills, all the while making new friends and adding followers to your website, built at the taxpayers expense. Prison Officers now have to book an appointment to search your cell for illegal drugs or SIM cards and if it's not convenient because you might be entertaining a fellow cell-mate you can still tell the screws to fuck off!

HMP Wayland offers the following....................


Face-Painting for beginners.


Improving You Literary Skills. In this case from an ex-Wayland alumni.


You do'nt have to have an artistic bent you can just be bent.


Chuck did make 'Playmate Of The Month' for all 4 months of his internship.


Charlie was taught about family values and how to play Mummies and Daddies by DuWayne, his E wing cellmate. As a tribute to his stepdad DuWayne agreed to leave him 'uncomfortably numb'.

CHARLIE GILMOUR = GIRLIE CHUM ORAL
(none of that where he's going)


Perhaps a film/book/TV deal upon his release?

It is rumoured that he will appear alongside Mr T on...............



Below - 'new look' Chaz c/w swagger and fag.

The obvious 'new skill' to add to your bow, as a student he probably needs little introduction, is the art of the 'roll up'. Charlie sauntered out of his dungeon complete with his caravan of luggage proudly displaying a modest effort tucked behind his left ear. Was it coincidence? Or was it cocking a snook at 'authority'? We'll never know............In prison 'havin' a fag' has many connotations!

Of course, some of us churlish taxpayers thought that the sentence was far too light and that the punishment should fit the crime.

Below, left - Charlie seated in Girton College, Cambridge.

Above, right - Chuck as he would be seated, in order to shake hands with 'Old Sparky', in Girton, Mississippi.

Well, he's done his time (a quarter of it anyway) and he can return to Sussex opulence and some sense of normality. He's been sucked in, chewed up and spat out by the penal system or what passes for justice in Great Britain the new 'Treasure Island'. A few more images from Charlies' gruelling ordeal..............


Above - Chaz, leaving HMP Wayland.........with at least 3 times the luggage that i take on a Ryan-Air flight.


Above - personal chauffeur from Norfolk to Sussex. Not a Group 4 van in sight.


Above - being taken by Dave and Polly to count his accrued pocket-money whilst inside.

Which is kept in the 'beach hut' below - but hurry up Charlie because this has been erected without permission and is due to be flattened very shortly...............


At least you are back home for Xmas Charlie, released around the time of Remembrance Day - at least try and appreciate the irony. Bear in mind that this is the first Armistice Day at which there is no longer any serving soldiers present at the The Cenotaph....................That is because they are all dead Charlie, their deaths might have been futile and preventable what was your fucking cause last year when you swung from the flags of the war dead? Student Loans? What the fuck do you know about student loans? These brave soldiers, the 'Lions' led by 'Donkeys' never came home, no chauffeur to meet them or Mummy to kiss everything better.......

"Home - This Must Be The Place"

Very apt, my favourite track from Talking Heads.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMawfL1lE4k

I will leave the last word to another contribution by Pam, The Peoples' Poet and Charlies' representative on Earth when he is in jail.


So Chucks' done his time, spent 4 months in nick

Should've been a lot more, for being a dick

Done the crime, do the time the media hacks yelled

Your Mum, Polly, when young, herself was expelled

No signs of remorse for our great nations dead

Hang your head in shame it's for you that they bled

How did you manage all those long, lonely......weeks?

All we had was your mums' endless fucking tweets!

It's back to the World now - girls, drugs and beer

Scotch all those rumours of liking it queer

In time you'll look back and find it all quite a laff

Study your history, the page marked........Cenotaph!

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.

From Laurence Binyon's poem For the Fallen, written in September 1914.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qda__aFhR6I

Hymn To The Fallen.

StourbridgeRantBoy has had a very bad cold recently but has managed to borrow 'Richards' mask in order not to spread it to his 3 followers............