Now just to avoid any confusion - when you use the word Heroes in Stourbridge it's usually in 'hushed' tones and with a cursory glance over the shoulder as if you are talking about the 'immigrant' problem or another 'delicate' subject like 'The Empire' or when Britain was Great!
Below are some real Heroes for you perusal.........
Left to Right -
World Cup Heroes of '66 - I didn't need to see England win in 2010 as i saw the original!
Frank Foley - dubbed 'The British Schindler' - he facilitated the passage of hundreds of potential Jewish victims for the Death Camps. A plaque in his memory is on the wall of Mary Stevens Park.
Johnson Beharry - the sole, living, British Army recipient of the Victoria Cross, awarded for his actions in Iraq. Pictured with him is Alistair Rose, owner of Heaven night club in Lower High Street. Alistair has raised several thousand pounds for servicemen who should have been better treated by the last lousy government, who are more than willing to use the military as foreign policy tools and put them in harms way but do the bare minimum when they come back minus body parts and traumatised!
Alistair is a top bloke unlike the prat below.
Not surprised that nobody wants to shake hands with him, it's a bit difficult with all that blood!
Shame on you Tony Blair, stay in the Middle East, you are not fit to be in the same country as these brave people................
Left to people like Tony Blair and the rest of his disgraced cabinet, none of whom have ever served their country, we will be left with the scenario below!
"Finally, Son, can you kill a man?"
"Oooooooh eventually!"
Below, is this who you want for the JCS? (Joint Chiefs of Staff)
Left to Right.
Barmy, Navy, Hair Force.
I predict a lot of people rising through the ranks and record numbers of recruits for the Special Foreskins with the motto "Who cares who wins"
That was just a mini-rant above - actually it will probably be the larger % of this particular thread as the Heroes that i refer to in the title seems to be a fairly innocuous establishment it's just that everytime i walk past and i see 'nice' expensive vehicles parked at various angles, off the road and i look at the fairly rundown/dingy exterior of the former Woolpack PH i think to myself,
What the fuck goes on in there?
It has its' own website so let's take a peek and see what goes on behind closed doors..........
(below) Website Logo.
House of Shame.
Proposed new logo -
The place looks, basically, like a closed-up pub! - a bit rundown and not the sort of location that you would linger in front of and you would think, for all intents and purposes what could possibly go on in there?
The front door has seen better days, the windows are all covered and the air vent in the brickwork has been mortared over - the reason it is there is for ventilation so why has it been covered? To muffle the screams? There is the odd bit of ribald graffiti, usually in the form of an erect penis with associated comments. There is also a sign to the effect that you are being observed by CCTV.
Covered vent.
Uncovered vent.
There can be a range of cars, both in number and type that are parked at various angles opposite. I have my own theory that the manner of parking dictates the 'gender' preference of the driver - i.e. facing the premises means 'Daddy', facing the wall means 'Mummy' whilst parked at right-angles means either/or.
That's my theory and i'm sticking to it, no pun intended.
What puzzles me is how the cars, once they have accessed Lower High Street, then have to 'mount' the pavement and drive, along the tarmac to park, off-road, outside the place. Is this legal to use the pavement as access? I suppose it must be because there are enough fucking Parking Wardens around harrassing 'normal' drivers, so they would have done something about it would'nt they?
Or is a blind eye shown to members of the Pink fraternity?
Perhaps the Wardens are uneasy about the possibility of bumping into fellow Masons or they might recognise somebody limping in and out of the premises, either way they would certainly have access to a database at the Police Station to check ownership details (don't tell me they don't either) and duly ticket the offending vehicles.
I will have to email the Dudley Mandarins at Edmund Road and council their sage-like opinion.
I shall try and refrain from innuendo because, as you will see from the direct quotes there is enough of that on their own website so let's take a virtual tour (with some poetic license).
To gain entry to the place you have to go in using the back passage (sorry) so we will start at the bottom (that did'nt last long did it!).
There is usually somebody welcoming on the door to take your details and put nervous 'fist, sorry first-timers at ease. (below Left, Dodgy Dave and Right. The Management).
So - Welcome to Heroes and widen the circle of your friends............
Bold print accompanying the pictures is off the website.
(below) The Dungeon.
Two regulars, Butch and Marcellus.
Above -'Butt' Reynolds and a friend "perhaps we should have gone golfing this weekend"
Very gothic looking, a bit dingy, but after all it is a............Dungeon. Apparently it is the most atmospheric part of the club and this has a connecting room - very Silence of the Lambs! In the first room there is a traditional sling with leather foot stirrups and loads of chains to grab hold of. There are plenty of restraints and a gallows; you will even find some paddles and whips! And if that was not enough in the second room there is a super horny f**k table and a St Andrews Cross with collars and mask.
I am intrigued how does a super horny fuck table in a gay sauna differ from the super horny coffee table that most people shag on? Can you combine the two as in "Where's my fucking coffee?"
Ahhh, the addition of a St Andrews Cross c/w collars and mask takes me back to my choir-boy days when, depending on the inclination of the priest you were either 'blessed' or 'well-blessed - Ooooh Matron!
Presumably these rooms will have the House Gimp lurking somewhere?
(below,) Gimp.
and without the mask.....
Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaart a Purrrrrrrrdy Moutttth!
On the same level is the Steam Room...No expense spared on the furniture.
The steam room in the basement is huge and is a great place to relax or play.(and wipe all that nasty semen off).
Let's work our way up (oops, i've done it again).
Where you can continue relaxing in our super Swedish Sauna, more moisture, more men, it's a tough old life.
Seating 15 people (or 4 or 5 chubby boys) there is plenty of space to lie down and chill out or choose a high or low bench depending on how hot you like it – and it certainly does get hot in here!
Hmmm - those benches look suspicously like modified church pews - the ideal seating to get you in the mood for several hours of Anal Sex! Also why have all those lockers when just one big closet would have done...
Talking of chubby boys, here's the original 'Chubby Boy' -
Ned, discussing the rate of pay for the role.
Ned, all in a days' work!
Ned, having second thoughts.
(above) Ned Beatty, the 'Chubby Boy' in John Boormans' 'Deliverance' and a real Hero for portraying those graphic, 'awkward', carnally-searing, sphincter-tearing scenes that some men can only dream about!
Even after all these years the films' still a firm favourite with Cleetus the slack-jawed yokel also part-time glory hole and loving Father to his Sisters' 7 kids........
Onto the warm Jacuzzi where you can let your hands do the talking under the water, which is motion activated so the more you move around the more bubbles you get –
and for your convience There are numbered pegs so you can be sure of getting your own towel back (unless somebody is sitting on the peg of course).
(below, the Jacuzzi, full of bodily fluids and some water)
Somewhere there is a Chill Zone (see pic above) where there are comfy sofas and a no-pressure well lit environment. What, no dark-dingy corners to mess about in? Well there does'nt appear to be any blood up the walls so it's obviously not used very much? I mean, there are soo many other rooms to relax in...
Both the Chill Zone and the Internet Cafe both look a bit bare and featureless - perhaps they would benefit from the odd well hung poster of iconic males from media and film? Here is a potential short-list...
"I came in up the 'Udson"
"Bend it like Beckham"
"The Full Monty (Clift)"
"Be gentle, he Bruges easily"
"Cruisin' Missile Crisis"
"Shoot you Sir!"
Also there is an Internet Cafe where you can cruise the net or check your profiles.This will obviously save you all the time and trouble of going back to Edmund Road or changing out of your tights and suspenders (not forgetting to remove the butt-plug, on second thoughts leave the damn thing in!) and slinking back to the Police Station.........
A couple of 'services' that i think would be a valuable addition to the premises would be a small cinema showing 'select' films and would obviously be 'gay' themed with titles such as....
1. A Fisting full of Dollars.
2. The Man who went up a Hill and came down a Throat. (There is a Huge Grant available!)
3. Gone with the Windpipe.
4. The Magnificent Semen.
5. PokeleHomo (Roger and HammerStem)
6. Top Bum (starring Tom Cruising).
7. Saving Ryans Privates.
8. Position Impossible.
9. The Loin King.
Finally for those clients that might like some hot girly action -
10. Two Mules for Sister Sarah (this is actually a real Western but i have no doubt there is a porno version available!
My choice for a double bill would be a classic horror and a current noir in this paired offering...
Surely no venue where couples meet one another would be complete without a room that has been sanctioned (there would be no shortage of clergy i'm sure!) for that, all important Civil Ceremony.
Some famous Celebrity couplings...............Left to Right.
Nicholas Cage and Elton - Matt Lucas and Michael Mcintyre
Dubya and Tony (who's the Daddy)
Above, right - a passing local to throw some rice........ Nice, you like? I like......
Last, but not least, to complete the internal tour, so to speak has to be two of the most popular of the rooms and i'm speaking from a heterosexual viewpoint!
Cruising Area with a TV showing horny movies and lots of dark areas to explore – and there are plenty of wastebins and tubs of life’s essentials! I can just imagine the cries of "Oh no, not Deliverance......again"
Above - Cruise room c/w a dodgy waste bin but no sign of a tub of life’s essentials! Perhaps somebodys eaten it! - Note - do you think this room was actually named after Tom Cruise?
Next..........and you could'nt make it up...The Glory Holes (this term i think refers to the Local Glass Making industry as opposed to this Local Arse Licking industry...This unique little room has three glory holes leading into areas of the cruising and dark rooms – and we all know what they are for!
Below - Glory Holes (well you would'nt expect them to be shaped like vaginas would you!
Which one do you prefer?
A couple more....................
Remember, in this game, any holes' a goal!
I can only imagine the scenarios if somebody accidentally turns the light on......
"Fancy finding one of those here" - "Houston, we have a problem"
"Who brought the dog?" "Sorry to interrupt, boys"
"Sorry Babe, 'Heavens' further up the road"(or up the stairs)
Finally, the climax of the tour - the Roof Garden - Where it is Busy on sunny days but a great place for you to take a cigarette break whatever the weather – and there is always the possibility of a little outdoor fun.
However, be warned as some of the locals aren't as friendly as you might expect. Especially if it's 'varmint' season
Don't forget to get the trophy stuffed and mounted...
To think, it looked so quiet from the outside...
