The Fuzz..............

'Evenin' all' - Motto - Forward in Unity (backwards in uniform)

Well, just where the Fuck do you start?

I am going to make it easier (on my blood pressure!) if i break this topic into 'bite'-sized pieces as, in time, this is going to be a biggy. A rather apt expression as the first topic is going to be Stourbridge Police and the amount of time they seem to spend patronising various supermarkets/shops/takeaways for grub. Not just any old grub but the sort of stuff that tastes extra 'special' because it would appear to be bought in the time that they should be policing the streets i.e. 'works' time!!!

Now, i don't know about you but most of the people that i rub shoulders with have to either prepare food and take it to their place of work or have to shop for it during an official break, usually lunchtime and consume it during that period.

Not so the 'boys in Blue - it has to be more than a coincidence that they areto be seen shopping for snacks etc at all times of day all over Stourbridge - i can't possibly be seeing everybody 'on their break' surely? I had the opportuntity to question a PCSO (Portable Cardboard Street Officer) in the new Aldi the other day (conveniently located about 50 yards from the back door of the cop-shop. When i say back door, it's not so much of a back door as a 'gauge' and if some of them can't quite squeeze through then they have to go round the front to the automatic doors to gain entry thereby being force to mix with the taxpayers who fund all this. Anyway back to Aldi - i enquired as to whether she was shopping in her 'own' time or 'ours' to which she replied that 'it was going to be busy later (Saturday Night) and that you had to catch things while you can!

Try the same approach with the Fucking criminals some time dear...

Below, PC's and PCSO's - spot the difference...


I took it to be that she was filling her pockets, metaphorically, in the taxpayers time. So I took the opportunity to email the head honcho at Dudley, the King of Bling himself.............Commander Keith Baldwin, yes you heard me the first time, COMMANDER - When you consider other ranks in the Police such as Inspector and Superintendent which sound both workmanlike and comforting, something that tells you that somebody who carries this rank is going to get something done?

Now i am not suggesting for one minute that the rank of Commander does'nt get things done i just think it smacks of military overtones and the last thing we need is the Police, in addition to looking like a paramilitary organistion actually carries ranks along the same lines. In this picture, below, this officer has got so much gear hanging off of her tits that it almost negates the need to wear a bullet/stab proof vest in the first place. If the streets are so fucking dangerous then how come all of us are'nt afforded this sort of protection? After all we spend more time on the streets than an on-duty copper thus also making ourselves visually available for the Police...

DRESSED TO KILL

Is this the image and future of Law Enforcement?

A few more images of Law Enforcement...

"Go ahead, make my day"


You can't actually believe that cretins like this are actually employed by the Police can you? Note that this 'officer' has his legally-required-to-display shoulder patches removed, under instruction from his senior officers, so that the public cannot identify him in the event of an 'incident' (there was an incident later, a passing newspaper vendor was assaulted, from behind!!!, and died from internal injuries a few minutes later.) The picture below shows an officer displaying his shoulder number with the same officer to his right. To re-iterate, Police are legally required to display this number at all times! Try driving around without a number plate and see how far you get!

Actually, i am told that you can get quite far if the car is a real fucking knacker and has at least 4 people of Eastern-European looking demeanour making their way to work at a local car-wash somewhere in the Black Country - this will be the subject of another rant........

QUOTE -
MET commissioner Sir Paul Stephenson was told today he must discipline officers who have defied orders to identify themselves.
UNQUOTE -


Above - another officer not displaying his ID - this officer was 'cleared' of using undue force on a female protester who threw Orange-juice at him. His legal team claimed that he 'feared for his safety and felt isolated'! Again, no identity number.

That's better! Who's been a naughty boy then?...

All in a days' work for a professional thug.


Above, heavily armed german soldiers in Russia 1941 and, below a Policeman. Are you starting to get confused?



ROBOCOP

Above, Robocop and below, former Chief Inspector of Cleveland Ray Mallon, the real 'Robocop'. Dissillusioned with the 'PC' correctness of the police Ray ran for mayor of Middlesborough......and won.

RAYBOCOP


Above, Snow White and 7 dwarves and below, Jacqui Smith and 7 Police officers.
Doesn't the above image make you feel safer already! Looks more like a recruiting poster for Santa's elves...What about some suitable names e.g. Dopey, Lazy, Grumpy, Fatty, Shorty, Dodgy and Swarthy and that's just the second one in from the right!



Meanwhile - back in the real world....



And.......You're nicked!


Sorry, bit of digression there - it's so easy to go off-rant with the subject of the Police.

Thus, Wikipedia says -
Commander is a naval rank which is also sometimes used as a military title depending on the individual customs of a given military service. Commander is also used as a rank or title in some organizations outside of the armed forces, particularly in police and law enforcement.

British police rank

Within the British police, commander is a chief officer rank in the two police forces responsible for law enforcement within London, the Metropolitan Police and City of London Police. In both forces, the rank is senior to chief superintendent, in the Metropolitan Police it is junior to Deputy Assistant Commissioner and in the City of London Police it is junior to assistant commissioner. In forces outside of London, the rank equates to assistant chief constable.
The Metropolitan Police introduced the rank in 1946, after they split the rank of deputy assistant commissioner with senior DACs keeping the rank and title with junior ones being regraded as commanders. The Metropolitan Police also had the rank of deputy commander, ranking just below that of commander, between 1946 and 1968. In addition, officers in charge of policing each of the London's boroughs are given the title "borough commander". However, such officers do not hold the actual rank of commander but instead hold the rank of chief superintendent. An exception to this is the Borough Commander of Westminster, who is actually a commander and not a chief superintendent due to the size, complexity and high-profile nature of the borough.

I am a bit confused - why is there a Commander rank for Dudley perhaps somebody could enlighten me? Perhaps Mr Baldwin could clarify the situation if he replies to my email which, at the time of writing he (or one of his underlings) has'nt yet.

Rumour has it that 'Hollywood' beckons and a six figure sum has been mentioned but apparantly he can't afford the drop in wages.


Now, where were we?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N3qZzZRt5ok

I propose a new logo to reflect the inordinate amount of time that our local 'Bluebottles' spend gathering food in taxpayers time (below).


As usual the devil is in the detail "fast food slow police"

Stourbridge needs a Police force, not a service, a force to be reckoned with. A force that is flexible and can prioritise it's time (when not shopping) on the mean streets outside of the Ring road.

Below, Stourbridge Ring road, not for the faint hearted.



Above - suggested areas where the Police would find illegal, under-age drinking where they could confiscate vast amounts of cheap cider to wash down the recently consumed convestibles.

Away from the sanctuary of the supermarkets and the safety and comforts of the 'Station' with its' subsidised bar facilities (the only one still left in the West Midlands an informer told me) it's
a Brave New World out there.

Try it some time!

Rumour has it that the police are to relocate to Oldswinford and merge with Tesco Express combining both the enforcement of law and order in the 'hood and keeping a watchful eye on those nasty...........calories. Can you imagine the scene? (below, artists impression of the Rozzers clocking in).


Because of the potential of ensuing pandemonium with the 'Peelers' being able to both work and shop for food from the same premises it is felt that extreme measures will have to be taken at other buildings.

If the public is faced with the above scenario it is feared that there would be widespread civil unrest as the Police confiscate strategic 'resources' in order to satisfy the cravings of the 'DayGlo Brethren'. It has already been rumoured that a re-introduction of the, universally detested, BCG - Bun Control Group - in order to enforce.......Bun Control would be a drastic but inevitable measure however draconian in might seem. Already valuable Police research funds are being used to develop 'special' equipment (below)

An unnamed Officer modelling an all-in-one Crumb-Catcher and Saliva absorbing suit note also the recently devoped stab-proof bib and facial protection that incorporates both an option should the officer, under stress, feel 'frightened and isolated' and a handy side port that allows a range of confiscated buns to be consumed by the Officer without having to leave the safety of the suit.

A bargain at £9,999.oop with the added bonus of getting 2 dummies for the price of 1!
Below - a PCCO (Police Crumb Catching Officer).

Above - Rumour is rife that even Chefs are being given weapons training!
Below - a clip from a training video, a Police spokesman said "what a waste of an apple".


The Public have been advised to be ever vigilant and report anybody looking suspicious that is not in a Police uniform.


Macdonalds steps up security.....


Below, an armed policeman blends discreetly in Mary Stevens Park.


If the Police are allowed to gain a Monoply at Tesco Express and decide to keep the original buildings as a sub-station thus having easy access to Aldi and the nearby 'safe haven' of supermarkets it is feared that 'old-fashioned' crimes such as mugging, burglary and car theft will be replaced by food 'liberation' by desperate and hungry citizens and public disorder could be rife.

The hungry public would have to be reminded that crime does not pay! I know, I know - ask any drug dealer or Vietnamese skunk-grower in the Stourbridge area and they will tell you that crime pays very well indeed!

Below, 'Give us the bun son, give us the bun'.

Above, 'What, me, tackle him, you must be fuckin' jokin' - he's got a.......bun!' You must be 'avin a larf!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWWSHq0S4EQ

Of course, Stourbridge Police, or 'The Lazy C's' as their oppos in Doodlay call them are not the first to be pre-occupied with their stomachs. They are just the latest in a fine tradition. You must remember these icons of yesteryear who, when not 'feeling collars' were usually feeling hungry.

BLAST FROM THE PAST











Rogues Gallery -

Below - a few pictures of your local muffin-crunchers 'doing their duty' having first sworn allegance to their bellies...

First up, a rushed snap taken in Aldi (sited next to the Cop Shop it brings a whole new meaning to the phrase 'convenience store'). 3 PC's, of various types had just vacated the premises laden with goodies and fled in the vehicle in the background, they bundled into the back and were heard to shout........."Go,go,go"


Next, a group of Officers, in deep discussion, 'should we go to the Park where there is vast amounts of alcohol being drunk and skunk being smoked, as we speak? Should we see if there is 'weed' being grown in the warehouse behind the Mitre?

Nooooo - 'Has Somerfield reduced the bargains yet? Is Waitrose still open? "Can't really
chase anybody 'cos me stab-proof vest's still in the wash!"


Finally, a sequence, which, if it was normal people would look very suspicious........Here's the scenario -

1.Vehicle pulls up around the back rather than in full view of the public.
2. An individual, of ample proportions, dressed in unsuitable clothing to be entering a takeaway premises is seen looking around suspisiously.
3. His 'bulky' proportions could suggest that he is carrying weapons altho it is more likely to be a beer belly from a lifetime of gastronomic self-abuse at the tax-payers expense!
4. Appears to have 'assistants' waiting in the vehicle, possibly a getaway driver.
5.Leaves looking decidedly 'nervous' - followed by a screech of wheels as they make their way up the Norton Road to divvy up their ill-gotten gains before 'torching' the vehicle......

Let, you, the Jury decide?




More photographic evidence will be posted as 'work in progress'.

Suggested viewing for the local Constabvestulary when they get the muchies...










And finally - You could'nt fucking make it up, honestly, this is a photograph taken yesterday on Tuesday 3rd August 2010 in Coventry Street.

Need i say any more? To be continued.......................



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMOGaugKpzs&feature=avmsc2

"Every chef you shake"
"Every cake you bake"
"Every milk you shake"
"Every egg you break"
I'll be watching you...............

Drive carefully Sir and mind 'ow you go!

RANT OVER!