Below - Anthony Worrall-Thompson.
....................."Just say Cheese!"........................
Another week, another 'Sleb' caught pinching shopping. Tony has cut a tragic figure, apologising profusely for all the fuss he has caused. I'll be honest, if i was skint and hungry i would nick food as well. We know he has had to close restaurants and make people redundant, move from his large mansion and grounds at Henley-on-Thames and re-locate at, decidedly 'down-market' High Wycombe.
Below - AWT and his former home, both, sadly, in need of a trim.
He has already admitted that he is comfortably 'well off' financially and to buying a crates of Champagne at £180 whilst pinching 4 quids' of other goods as well as a number of other examples during his own version of 'Supermarket Sweep'.
He was, allegedley, observed on 5 occasions in 16 days over the Xmas period indulging himself. The staff did'nt do anything about it the first 4 times because they wanted to be sure of what was taking place, considering the customers' 'Sleb' status. Rest assured, fellow citizens, the staff would not have been so accommodating had you, i or..................Sue Terry (see previous post) been partaking of our own 'Buy none, get one free' policy.
Below - a page from Wozzas', yet to be published - 'Celebrity Recipes for Disaster'.
Upon finding out who the 'Sleb' thief was one disbelieving shopper asked for his autograph. He was eager to oblige and replied "Yeah, no problem" he smiled. "Have you got a pen?" To which she replied "Fuck off Antony, I'm not falling for that one."
Below - AWT, 'getting into character and right, 'character'.
The Press have swooped on the incident like a pack of vultures, at least you and i would have the benefit of relative obscurity. 'Celebrity' chefs like'Wozza' drink in publicity like a Rugby player on a Saturday night so they also 'die by the sword'. It goes with the turf, as they say.
He says he is going to seek counselling - i'll bet there won't be much left lying around?
Due to the fact that AWT had shaved his, characteristic, beard off to reveal a far less hirsute and less easy identifiable individual the Police had to go through the time-consuming process of getting a suitable line-up of similiar-looking individuals in order to confirm the identification. Not an easy task considering the very reason that he carries a considerable amount follicular growth is due to the fact that he underwent plastic surgery following an accident whilst playing rugby.
Below - Tony snapped, waiting for the Paramedics whilst playing for 'Old Cuntonians' RFC.
Below - the final Police line-up to find the 'real' AWT.
Above - Anthony Werewolf-Thompson and Peter Andre-Thompson. Lon Chaney, who played the WorralWolf, was pissed off because he was picked out as AWT frequently. He also claimed that he had never been in a Tesco Express in his life he has only ever stolen from Wal-Mart!
He told the Police that he had a 'fixation' with cheese, that he had been Edam fool and would be Gouda from now on, shop more Caerphilly and attributed the 'moment of madness' to Emmental block and Camembert a thing about it.....How dairy!
Above - left, Karl-Otto Alberty who played the German tank commander in Kellys' Heroes and right, Niels Arestrup, another actor, who also denied being gay.
Above - Eddie Izzard, who Izzgay but not a shoplifter, more of a shirtlifter and the late, great Mo Mowlem.
Now, many of us would consider him a suitable candidate for the surgeons' knife.......now! So this comes as a considerable surprise that there is no room for improvement.
Below - Gordon says 'i'll re-do the surgery and Tesco's asked me to cut his fucking hands off!'
The publicity that surrounds these chefs is not all positive and AWT has come in for more than his fair share of negative vibes. Following a well-publicised visit to a couple of his establishments he recieved health warnings from Public Health Inspectors. His 'Gastropub' The Greyhound, in South Oxfordshire was given only 1 out of a 5 star rating. He berated the Inspectors report for being too focused on paperwork and pre-eoccupied with 'box-ticking'. If only the same zeal was applied to all restaurants we would all benefit. AWT, Heston, Marco and Gordon are all high-profile targets. I would like to have been a fly on the wall when they picked flies (not literally) at one of Ramseys' eateries!
Below - left, officers from Henleys' dedicated CAU (Celebrity Autograph Unit) arrive at one of AWTs' eateries for their usual order with the obligatory 10% Police discount, perhaps they've come to 'give 'im a grilling'..........
Above - right, a graffii 'Sleb' rat soon adorned the restaurant. A local resident said 'that's all we need, another piece of unwanted grafitti that we ca'nt get rid of because of some bleedin' preservation order!'.
ANTONY WORRALL THOMPSON = PORTLY NOSH MAN, LOW ON ART.
Friends, family and relatives have been quick to rally round, for which Tony has been most grateful. Other Celebrity Chef's have been more subdued in their 'support........
Gordon says - 'thieving fat cunt'.
Heston says - 'he's given all us Celebriy Thieves a bad name, cunt!'
Marco says - ' tha' fookin' liddle tuurd, nevva deed lyke 'im' (in order to retain an air of anonymity Marco reverted to his Yorkshire roots), 'posh cunt', he added as an afterthought.
Ainsley says - 'Cunt, cunt, cunt and cunt'.
AWT also made a gaffe involving the reccomended use of the highly toxic wild plant, Henbane instead of the more common and well-known, FatHen.
Below - left, beautiful but deadly Henbane and right, boring but Green FatHen.
Above - killer of hens and.....................fattener of hens.
He commented - "Henbane is associated with lots of mythical tales - it's said to turn you black and it's used in witches potions," he said. But fat hen is perfectly edible. "You can use the leaves in salads like spinach, make tea and eat the roots," said Mr Worrall Thompson.
"Turns you Black and used in Witches potions"!...Hold on....
Above - Ainsley denies eating lots of Henbane and Cherie says she has'nt used it in her potions...........for a while.
He is unsure how the mistake happened.
My sources reveal that 'FatHen' was Antonys' nick-name for his Celebrity Chef rival Phil Vickerys' wife, Fern Brittain!
Below - before and after that all important 'Vickery' implant.
Above - from Fern Brittain to Firm Bottom.
Since his arrest and subsequent 'outing' as the latest Celebrity Thief he has floundered like a beached Porpoise flapping about, initially avoiding the Press but once he had composed himself seeking the 'right' sort of publicity i.e. from the more sympathetic journals as opposed to the dreaded 'Redtops'.
Worrall Thompson mulled over everything that could have pushed him to steal. He spoke of the stress of moving house, the death of two close friends, giving up smoking, anaemia, long working hours, his inability to relax, his age and dementia.
He also came out with that old, reliable 'childhood abuse' whether this took place at home, school or elswhere he did not elaborate on.
Below - the bicycle shed at Antonys' old boarding school.
Above - Prefects to 'freshers' "and this is where we fuck the posh kids".
Over Christmas, he said, he had personally flambeed every Christmas pudding at his restaurant, which had left him exhausted.
Hardly mitigating circumstances is it? He also successfully flambeed his reputation!
He went on: ‘I hope I’m not going totally gaga in my old age. I have wondered if it’s something like that but I hope 60 is too young for something like Alzheimer’s.’
Below - left AWT gonegone Gaga.
Above - right, Lady G, in the unlikely event she starts shoplifting she can always claim she suffers from 'Worrall-Thompson Syndrome'.
Worrall Thompson was arrested on suspicion of theft and cautioned on Friday. He was taken to a police station and had his photograph and fingerprints taken, along with a DNA saliva sample.
Being Gaga'd and demented should have made it easier to collect the DNA saliva sample.
Fellow 'Sleb' chef Heston said that he might try marketing a range of 'CelebrityChef' residues AWT's saliva for starters, not literally.
Below - let's not forget that Hestons own Michelin-starred 'Fat Duck' at Bray was closed for several weeks because everybody got the shits.
Recipe suggestions -
Ramseys 'home-made' White sauce, which he has been able to produce in copious amounts since he split with his wife.
Marcos' 'Northern Gobshite', a subtle melange of sweat, phlegm and arrogance.
Floyds' 'surprise', - secret recipe but it will no doubt have to be dried out and grated like aged Parmesan or White Truffles.
What is to become of 'Wozza'? He'll get over it, these things blow over. He, or more likeley his staff, will be the butt of jokes both in and out of his restaurants - some of his customers might adopt AWT's more 'robust' style of shopping and walk out without paying. As long as they, or he, appreciates the irony. I, personally, did not like the way that the format of BBC's The Food Programme changed from him being a guest presenter to virtually running/ruining the whole programme and i know the BBC received a lot of complaints but by that time the other 'presenters' had moved on.
He will have to move on, so to speak.
He could always lend his name and style to existing catering franchises to boost their reputation?
The Fat Duck at Bray in Berkshire had a scare with e.coli a while back. Heston says he does'nt mind AWT as a partner but he would have to change the name.
He could always help Colonel Sanders out.
Little Chef have been struggling of late.
He could always make amends by making a guest appearance in.........
.......THE LAMBSHANK REDEMPTION................
A spokesman for Tesco's says that they do not harbour any ill feeling and that Antony is welcome back to shop at the stores any time on the proviso that he wears a distinctive T-shirt.
Finally - why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was hidden under
Antony Worrall-Thompsons' coat!
