Oh yes, most definately!
Above - The Daily Mails' take on the situation.
It has all the Meditteranean ingredients - elements of Italian opera, Greek tragedy, French vaudeville farce. A Spanish omelette of an incident. Throw in a vain sleazy-looking George Cole type villain with slick hair, panic-stricken crew running around like headless chickens and passengers standing around in a mixture of evening dress or undress, a chaotic scenario of lingerie and lifejackets.........
GOING...........GOING................GONE..........!!!
You could'nt make it up but i'll do my best!
THE VILLAIN
They do'nt come any greasier. Captain Francesco Schettino henceforth AKA 'The Shit'.
Below - 'The Shit' scanning the horizon for any shaggable mermaids or Moldovan dancers.
Above, right - She'll do!, smells a bit fishy....both will end up getting fucked 'on the rocks'.
He appears to have a reputation for showboating, lavish food, washed down with lashings of Red wine and for being a bit of a 'laydeez' man. Despite being married to a half-decent looking MILF. Whilst the ship is on automatic pilot he is to be seen promenading with guests, wining and dining 'mysterious' blondes or giving guided tours to all and sundry and even 'guesting' on stage as some sort of maritime Dean Martin!
Below - 'The Shit' and 'The Shag'..."that's amore".
It now transpires that 'The Shit' regularly took his boat on un-authorised detours, danger-close, to the coastline in order to either impress a local dignitary or to show a member of staff their own home. What sort of behavour is that? Do the crew of these vessels need to circle their homes like carrier pigeons in order to co-ordinate their homing location before departing?
Below, left - Giglio and the Tuscany coastline with dangerous 'sticky-out' bits.
lAbove, right - You do'nt messa wivva Giglio.
This time 'The Shit' came unstuck, or in his case - stuck -literally, unfortunately this also involves the lives of over 4,000 fee-paying passengers plus crew. It could'nt have happened at a worst time, the 'guests' were either dining/drinking in the selection of restaurants and bars or readying themselves for bed.
Below - 'let's dance and then face the music' (apologies to Nat King Cole).
Above - 'mystery' Brunette.
The view, for everybody concerned was about to change, by about 45 degrees. The craft appeared to have 'nudged' something. That 'something' was the island of Giglio, not noted for its sandy beaches. Giglio is a rocky outcrop with a big fuck-off lighthouse - bigger than a Captains dick. You could'nt miss it - oooooh matron!
Above - a mixture of 'mystery' blondes/brunettes at a recent masterclass, chaired by Captain Schettino, on 'How To Become a Mystery Blonde or Brunette on a Costa Cruises Ship'.
'The Shit', who was in 'wine me/dine me/69 me mode was in no mood to be disturbed and for the first 30 minutes or so continued to order more food and wine. Suitably satiated and no doubt contemplating retiring to his cabin for 'pudding' he was forced to attend to the needs of his passengers with an ever more frantic crew in support.
Above - an ever fashion-conscious Francesco, when he heard someone shouting 'capsize, capsize' he replied, 'It'sa tennanna arf' (10 1/2).
The owners had been contacted but appeared to be more interested in the financial implications as an order to 'ABANDON SHIP' triggers an automatic payment of 10,000EUROS per customer in addition to a full refund and insurance coverage of all goods and posessions. So the, Florida-based, owners fiddled whilst Rome burned.
Something another Italian did - Nero.
Below - a mix of 'mystery' blondes and brunettes seen leaving the Captains quarters and making their way to the lifeboats. Some had been 'to hull and back'.
Schettino, seen here with senior crew members, draw short straws for who gets into the boats last.
Below - Italian 'Special Forces' on standby.
MOTTO - Who cares who wins.
Below - an enterprising local (for a fee) rushes to help with the evacuation.
Below - migrants, fresh from Libya, aboard the 'Carpathia' divert to donate their blankets to the grateful holidaymakers.
All this during the anniversary year of the sinking of The Titanic - I said you could'nt make it up!
The order to 'ABANDON SHIP' was eventually given. At this stage the whereabouts and activities of Captain Francesco 'The Shit' Schettino becomes as murky as the waters off of Giglio.
Above - another 'deadly list', the dead and the missing.
The ship has, unfortunately, struck the rocky coastline and ripped a large gash in the hull and had started taking in thousands of gallons of sea water thus causing it to list dangerously and very quickly.
Below, left - small 'gash' on large body and bottom, Domnica describing her large 'gash' on small body. Both proved 'dangerous' for Schettino.
He is 'spotted' with either a 'mystery blonde' or a 'mystery brunette' or possibly both, the light can play tricks and so can Photoshop. He then appears on shore whilst thousands of his charges are still on board. The 'rat' has left the sinking ship. He later claims that he 'tripped into a lifeboat' - Yeah like the dog ate my homework...........Cowardly cunt, sorry to have to use the 'C' word so early in the post i should have just left it as Cunt.
'The Shit' sculling away with yet another 'mystery' blonde.
He is spotted on shore looking miserable and thoroughly sorry for himself and moaning that he has'nt got any dry socks and could anybody lend him a spare pair. He then promptly hails a taxi and checks into a local hotel to bemoan his situation, cry a little and bite his pillow. He is arrested the following morning and placed under house arrest, presumably for his own protection.
Below - a concerned 'local' applying the finishing touches to 'The Shits' uniform.
Below - 'Scousers' on a day trip from Birkenhead scour the beaches for other peoples property, sorry, spend the day looking for salvaged goods.
Initial thoughts were why did'nt they put the boat into reverse? The Italians, particularly the Army, have a long and distinguished history of selecting reverse gear. Indeed the period from 1941-1944 was the 'Golden Age' for Italian engineering. The Capitano of the 'ship' at the time was Benito Mussolini or 'Il Duce' as he liked to be known. He decreed that all Italian military vehicles particularly Tanks and infantry carriers be 'reverse engineered', this was considered to be typically innovative of the Italian designers. Wheareas the Allies concentrated on traditional gearbox design, usually with many forward gears of various ratios with one or more reverse gears the Italians went for a more radical concept by completely reversing this process and only having one forward gear in ALL of their vehicles the remainder being dedicated to reverse use only. All drivers/users of the vehicles had to attend a mandatory 6-week conversion course at Milan.
Where they would receive suitable instruction, eat shit-loads of pasta, consume vast amounts of the local Red wine and shag all the local whores.
Below - tanks being hurriedly 'reverse geared' upon hearing rumours of an American landing in Sicily.
Above - Italian tank drivers caught suntanning their armpits.
Excellent training for somebody in charge of a cruise ship decades later, perhaps?
Above, Mussolini - said to be a big fan of reverse gears and large gashes.
There is now an unconfirmed rumour that a subordinate officer pushed the ship onto the area in which it now lies in as to move it back into deeper waters would have caused the Concordia to capsize and the death toll would have been in the hundreds or worse so it appears somebody had some spine and sense on board.
THE MYSTERY WOMAN
So, what of the 'mystery' woman? Blonde, Brunette, trick of the light or a 'trompe de loilel'?
Below, left - Domnica with 'friend', potential illegal alien?
Above, right - proper alien, one you can trust.
Enter, Domnica Cemortan, for that is the creatures' name. A 'dancer' from Moldova employed by Costa Cruises but not on that ship on that day. In fact she was'nt even on the ships manifest or had a room booked in her name - all of which are a legal requirement. There is also another missing female that was said to be on board at the time, again not listed on the ships manifest. This is the sort of thing that we have come to expect from the ferry ships that ply the routes around the Indonesian archipelago that are always going down during the typhoon season NOT a premier cruise ship off of the Tuscany coast.
"Fucka thee passengers"
"Fucka they crew"
"I'm Captain Schettino"
"Here to Fuck you!"
Domnica, when not stowing away on her 'employers' ships and being wined and dined by errant Captains' supposedly lives in Bucharest, Roumania. She looks like every other Eastern European wannabee looking for a rich Western European husband and meal-ticket IMO. I say supposedly, her 'home' location was suddenly changed to Zanzibar, Tanzania, overnight via her Facebook page. She is now consorting with the press covering Schettinos arse with limp-wristed excuses. She should'nt even have been on the fucking boat and where was she going to spend the night?
Hardly the most believable of witnesses.
Below - Cemortan and fellow 'dancers' proudly displaying their certifcates of safety stating that they always use condoms, use fresh disposable gloves when asked for 'hand relief' and never 'give head' unless wearing reccomended safety glasses as shown by the woman on the right.
Below, Domnica denied she was a sex-obsessed dancer intent on marrying a rich Western passenger and said she had been mis-quoted and prefers 'cooks' in her spare time.
The fact remains that Schettino fucked off leaving both his crew and passengers to fend for themselves something that is inexcusable and morally reprehensible.
THE AFTERMATH
Above - this 'ship in a bottle' of the Costa Concordia unlike the vessel itself is 'shipping fast'.
Repercussions, by their very nature, will continue for some time to come.
Below, left - Cap'n Smith, went down with his ship, has a bitter named after him. Proper Captain.
Above, right - jumped ship, probably went down on an old wreck, nobody will raise a toast to 'Cap'n Coward'. Bad Captain.
'The Shit' faces legal action and possibly a prison sentence, stands to reason to assume that he wo'nt be working for Costa Cruises and endangering anybody elses lives for the foreseeable future.
Below - Schettino's wife gives an interview describing him as a 'hero' in Italys' premier Dogging magazine.
The search for bodies continues with Italian divers blowing ever bigger holes in the side of the ship in order to ascertain where the missing passengers might be. The ship itself is open to the vagaries of the weather and stands a very real chance of being pushed off the rocks and plunging several hundred metres which will render it unsalvagable. Compensation, one way or the other will run into tens of millions and could well have an adverse effect on the brand as a holiday option.
Below, left - The Meditteranean Monk Seal is about to become even more endangered as one of it's main breeding colonies got in the way of Schettino's erection.
The blow to the Italian reputation and macho psyche has only been reinforced. Nobody has had much time for the Italians since the fall of Rome and let's face it most of the 'hard' work and fighting was done by either slaves, conscripts or mercenaries.
Below, left - Smith, distinguished portrait with service medals.
Above, right - Schettino receives his award of the 'Mermaids Vagina'.
The 'Gigilo of Giglio' has certainly stirred up a hornets nest.
'Il Duce' and his 'Moldovan dancer' under 'house arrest'.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee!
