BONO............CUNT OF THE WEEK...................

BON-OH-NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Lord SmugCunt of Dooblin............and with trademark safety glasses daft hat and huge ego.

Below - Celebrity lookalikes, don't you just feel sorry for them?

Above - BONO................Robin Williams and......Roy Orbison.

Apologies - it's a bit of a slow-moving target. He could be COTW every week.

I mean, he almost wants to email me to plead 'please, please, make meee COOOOOONT of the week ev'ry feckin' week, oi know yooz cud give to either STING or GELDOFF but oi'm more of a Coont dan dey will ever be!'

Below - BONO, said to be 'overjoyed' and looking forward to receiving it for a 2nd time in the not too distant future.

Do'nt worry mate it can be arranged......

So i am making Paul David Hewson COTW to coincide with U2's headlining appearance at Glasto.Where, in order to reduce U2's carbon footprint, despite flying everywhere by personal LearJet the centre-stage lighting for the weekend will be illuminated by the very light that....................................Shines out of BONO's arse!


Above - revellers make their way to centre stage ecologically lit by the light that shines' from BONO's arsehole!



Eavis, above, took time off from his BarnRaising to speak briefly on this 'World 1st'.

"I did try and dissuade BONO from harnessing the light from his arse and suggested that he exercise some sphincter control in order not to damage peoples eyesight but he said that he would only participate if it was all or nothing and that decades of anal sex with 'The Edge' had left his lower bowel permanently damaged and that once he took his Y-fronts off that was it!

BONO and The Edge

'Just good friends'............................'Honestly'.


Above - rehearsing for Glasto, The Edge tuning up despite his trousers still being covered in BONO's spunk...

Michael also added that although he was very pleased that he had finally got BONO and the boys to play Glasto the fact that this weekend had coincided with him being chosen as CUNT OF THE WEEK would make it a gig to remember.

He was also asked what he thought of an alleged stencil of him on a local building as rapper JZ but he just walked off muttering that BANKSY was a pain in the arse and just causes trouble every year.

Below - alleged JZeavis.


THE 'PRANKSY' INCIDENT


Above - a little known prank by 'Banksy' was to gain entry to ONOBs' luxury on-site motorhome at Glasto, stencil his forehead and depart before the ink dried. Upon awaking BONO was informed of the jape but decided to retain the graffiti due to its' celebrity cult (yes....cult) status. But as he only ever saw it in the mirror he kept asking what a 'TAWT' was? When, during a quiet moment, with The Edge, he was duly informed he was none too pleased!


Above - ONOB on being told that he had been 'Banksy'd'........."Bring me the head of that feckin' little Bristolian TAWT!!!!!!"

Ironically enough, Bono vox (good voice) is derived from a shop called Bonavox in Dublin that specialised(ises) in wait for it........hearing aids!



As if you would need a hearing aid with BONO in the same county/country.

And - what is with the 'hat and glasses' combo? Apparantly he needs to wear them because of his sensitive eyes 'if a camera flash goes off then it affects me all day if i do'nt where my glasses'
Bullshit - has his eyes become sensitive only over the last 20+ years? Or just since he has become a vain, vacuous 'celebrity', Oh and a tax-dodging cunt.


Above - he did'nt need the glasses during his 'gay-bar' 'batty-boy' period!......Did he?


Above - 30+ years down the line, never without the glasses and hat - i have pair like that that i use when i am strimming the lawn.

Below - an actual picture of the young ONOB.

"what do you want to be when you grow up young Paul?........A feckin' Rock star mummy!"



Above - one has perfectly natural female reproductive organs the other one is a cunt.


Above - what a pair of reproductive female organs.

Then there is the ongoing issue of the bands so-called 'tax-avoidance' i.e. the movement of a vast amount of their funds from The Emerald Isle to Holland in order to avoid a change in Irish law which would have involved paying some tax. They say that they pay World tax as 95% of their earnings are earnt outside Ireland - i would like to see that argument given a bit more scrutiny.

What galls most people i.e. the non U2 fans - the ones that can see the light, the light beyond the light that is being emitted from his arse is that he is more than willing to push the cause of Third World povery, particularly Africa notably with his mealy-mouthed hand-wringing croney 'Bob the Gob' Geldoff. Demanding that we, the great British public, who are amongst the most generous on the planet (just see our Overseas Aid budget, that's definately worth a blog) hand over our hard-earned, post-tax monies to charities, some, of dubious aims, in the cause of ending World poverty.

"Sorry' oi have'nt actually got any money moiself, it's all in Holland but oi can give youse a pirate DVD of me 'an The Edge, with the deleted scenes".

FUCK OFF YOU SUPER-RICH TWO-FACED POLITICIAN ARSE-LICKING CUNT............


Above - ONOB declined an audience with The Pope and instead had one with God instead!

On average less than 10% of the bulk of these charities incomes actually gets anywhere near their good causes the remainder trickles down slowly or is laundered away by crooked locals.
Health, birth control and self sufficient food are the key,sustainable, causes. Not arms procurement by their governments, growing of exportable cash crops e.g. cut flowers in the Kenyan Highlands (vast use of water resources mainly Dutch-owned) and bribery/corruption endemic at every level.

Provide the means to grow and harvest food not sackfuls of grain. Fairtrade is a good example.
Look at your own lifestyle and carbon footprint Mr BONO before you lecture and pontificate to the 'great unwashed' like me! You have 4 kids, how are you bringing them up? What values are you instilling in them? Presumably they will be Catholic, do you promote birth control or the good old 'rythmn method'?


Above - i'm sure you would like another child, BONO, but i'm afraid Madonna's already put a deposit on this one.......

He is alleged, once on stage, to have been clapping his hands and shouting "every toime oi clap moi 'ands a lickle bayby dies in Africa" - To which somebody replied "Well stop fucking clapping them then!"

I do'nt think he imparts that little gem anymore.


Above - now that fucking hat is really getting on my nerves.

Below - still, just good friends.


At least NOBO and the boys are going to turn up this year unlike 2010 where they cancelled due to 'mystery' back injury. The official line is below..........

U2 cancel Glastonbury and US tour after Bono's injury

The singer, 50, had a back operation on Friday after suffering an injury while training in preparation for the tour.

Neurosurgeon Joerg Tonn said: "The surgery was the only course of treatment for full recovery and to avoid further paralysis."

RUMOURS

Unofficially, various 'conspiracy' theories abounded that in order to face an audience of his critics with regard to his ongoing tax 'status' he had undergone a spine implant or that years of anal abuse with his 'close friend' The Edge had so damaged his arsehole that their was a very real danger that his cherished wish of lighting The Pyramid stage through said orifice would be nothing more that a 'pipe' dream. But, in the end in turned out that he had just fallen off of one of his wallets and suffered no more than a bruised ego!

BONO wasnt the only one dissapointed here's another irate ticketholder.............

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LD1v0a4PkhA&feature=related

HITCH-HIKING INCIDENT

Despite orders to keep a safer profile this years date at Glasto nearly suffered a repeat scenario when, whilst walking with a friend (no, not The Edge!) in Edmonton (no, the one in Canada!) it started raining. He was picked up by a passing motorist.

Driver Picks Up Hitchhicker ... and It's Bono

The driver, naturally got chatting, could'nt get much of a word in, the 'stranger' just seemed to want to talk about himself all the time and then, when there was a gap in the gobshite he dropped out that he was non other than the famous, iconic rock legend ONOB there was only one thing the hapless driver could do.............rain or no rain.......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoCVIA-FgV0

Well i suppose i had better hurry up and get this posted while it's still relevant as U2's gig took place last night. The boys played to 'mixed' reviews. Obviously the 'happy-clappy' ONOB-worshippers loved every nano-second of it. GOD was'nt happy so he opened up the clouds and pissed all over ONOB making his faggoty leather trousers look like The Edge had been dribbling over them backstage. He also tried to get the crowd to sing along to 'Jerusalem' i presume there must be a song of their own in their repertoire i cannot imagine him doing William Blakes' classic! The end result was basically ONOB's very own 'a capella' i.e on his own (a capella actually means in the manner of a church or chapel, a solo or a group singing without musical accompaniment) as not even the audience wanted to join in. The evening was'nt without incident when a group of, peaceful, protesters tried to raise a balloon emblazoned with 'U PAY TAX 2' But before they could get it aloft they were jumped on and threatend by a bunch of U2's, over-reactionary, thuggish, minders.

I wonder if they were being paid 'cash in hand'?

Another vainglorious wheeze that fell flat on its' arse was NOBO's attempt to get the assembled brethren to hold their mobile phones up and film him whilst on stage - yeah lets all get our mobiles or precious iphones wet filming you - feck off!


Above - Eavis and......................................Butthead.

Below are a selection of images and NOBOQUOTES from the evening -


Above - ONOB illuminating the Pyramid with the light that shines from his arse.

"Look at you, a whole city in the rain" - after 3 days of being pissed on and pissed off thanks' for reminding us.......Bono!


Above - excited 'revellers' eagerly waiting for the stage to be lit with the light that shines from 'The Mans' arse sporting their newly-acquired HSE-reccomended (Health and Safety Executive? No, Happy Smiling Eavis) safety glasses.

"I arrived a Pilgrim, I leave a Believer" - get the twat drug-tested straight away!


Above - BONO and The Edge performing as only 'good friends' can.

"Could be the leylines, could be the jetlag, but it's a very special feeling being here" - Just blame it on the boogie.......


Above - some not-so-loyal fans reminding ONOB that they still have'nt found out what they are looking for i.e. some tax revenue.

"Look, we have friends in space!" - he then proceeded to get one of the astronauts (presumably the one who drew the short straw) from the International Space Station to recite some of the lyrics from one of U2's songs. First Paul Macca then this, all the crowd at Glasto need now is an impromptu serenade in the pissing rain from Cliff fucking Richard. We do'nt know what the other astronauts were doing but we do know that 'In Space Nobody Can Hear You Scream'.


Above - BONO revealing at a, pre-Glasto, press conference that, following his 'back' operation last year he also underwent experimental surgery on his anus. Consequently, ground-breaking medical techniques has meant that he is now able to control the aperture of his sphincter in order to successfully bathe the Pyramid in wholly natural light that will be emitted from just his arse! In order to avoid any pre-emittance the beam can only be released with a special 'SMARTARSE' card - just one swipe or 'ARSEWIPE' will open the 'chosen' ones' legendary orifice or back-pussy as it is known by the male groupies. Furthermore there are only 2 of these cards in existance. the one that ONOB is holding and the one kept by The Edge under his pillow........

I consider it a real pity and a lost opportunity that a complementary card could not be developed to swipe the smile off of his smug, sanctimonious Mick face!


Above, left - The Edge and BONO and right an artists' impression without the make-up, plastic surgery, crazy glasses and beanie hat.

AND FINALLY............

What actually is....The Edge? Edge of reason?, Edge of reality. Edge of Darkness? C'mon give us a fecking clue.....

Remember - youse 'aint sin me, roight!

WAYNE ETHERIDGE - Where's Wayne??????????????

Have'nt posted 'bout Stourbridges' favourite enfant terrible for quite awhile - he has kept his fizzog relatively low-profile for some considerable time -

I get the feeling that it's all about to change........................can feel a rant coming on.

He did get pulled a while ago whilst going thru a Red light on Stourbridge Ring Road in the early hours of the morning having just overtaken a Police vehicle, so even the plods could'nt let him get away with that one - a bit of bad luck there, they would normally be either eating or on the mobile phone and he would'nt have been spotted. Either way the distinct bisybillic tone of 'hew-it, hew-it, hew-it' awoke some of the locals in the small hours.........

QUOTE -

Judge serves Oldswinford publican with £200 fine

3:45pm Wednesday 5th January 2011

AN Oldswinford publican who overtook a police van and drove through a red traffic light has been served a £200 fine.

At Wolverhampton Crown Court, Wayne Etheridge, aged 41, landlord of The Cross Sports Bar, pleaded not guilty to driving dangerously on Stourbridge Ring Road and his plea was accepted by the prosecution.

Etheridge, of Studley Gate, Wollaston, admitted driving without due care and attention and he was further ordered to pay £135 costs.

Judge Jonathan Gosling told Etheridge it was a "risky thing to do" going through lights on red but he said it was in the early hours of the morning and no other road users were inconvenienced.

The judge, after being told Etheridge already had three points on his driving licence, endorsed his licence with a further five points which meant there was no disqualification.

Mark Rees, prosecuting, said Etheridge undertook the police van before driving through the lights on red at speed.

Mr Rees added Etheridge stopped immediately when he saw the flashing blue lights on the police vehicle and heard the siren, he then provided the officers with a negative breath test.

Jas Mann, for Etheridge, told the court his client was driving a van with the name of his pub emblazoned on the side had not realised he had been speeding.

He said Etheridge had been a publican for 20 years and he accepted immediately he had driven through the lights on red when told by the officers what they had seen

UNQUOTE -


The car, dark and....................More importanty - DISTINCTIVE! (Please note that the livery has now been recently removed, proving the point that there is such a thing as bad publicity.


The owner, pale and undistinctive.

I mean, you would notice one of these, would'nt you?

"Been drinking have we Sir?"

Below -Suitably admonished, Wayne, in his typical conciliatory manner duly presented his vehicle documents for inspection.



Waynetta finally got a job at the old Picture House place - another source of a shit-load of trouble further down the road and he recently appeard in the local paper because texts were being sent from a mailing list from the CROSS unsolicited to peoples' phones with regard to future events.

QUOTE -

Pub slapped for sending unsolicited texts

12:47pm Thursday 26th May 2011

AN Oldswinford boozer has been given another rap on the knuckles - this time by advertising watchdogs who upheld a complaint about text message marketing.

The Advertising Standards Agency (ASA) has warned The Cross Sports Bar it must not send out unsolicited texts to customers to promote forthcoming events after one such advertisement plugging the Barcelona v Arsenal football match on March 8 was found to have breached database rules laid down in the UK Code of Non-broadcast Advertising, Sales Promotion and Direct Marketing (CAP Code).

The complainant claimed she had been sent a message advertising the game despite previously being assured her number had been removed from the pub’s marketing database.

ASA watchdogs welcomed assurances from The Cross that the number had been removed from its list but it found the message had breached rules as the pub failed to prove the complainant had given her details in the first place in order to receive promotional texts.

The ruling is the latest fly in the ointment for The Cross landlord Wayne Etheridge, who has found himself embroiled in a series of bitter disputes with Dudley Council over marquees and a sandwich van parked on his car park - and even a spat with the town’s MP after she encouraged nearby residents to report anti-social behaviour emanating from the venue.

But this time Mr Etheridge says “someone’s playing a game”.

He said: “I think it’s a complete joke and waste of time.”

The controversial pub boss said The Cross keeps the mobile numbers and favourite football teams of 6,500 customers who are regularly texted details of sports matches to be shown at the pub.

But all punters no longer interested in receiving reminders have to do is to text ‘stop’ and their number and details will be deleted.

He added: “There’s a sheet on the end of the bar - where people fill in their names and football teams, they get added and deleted on a weekly basis, but this one customer keeps replying stop and adding her name.

“It’s been deleted four or five times and and added that amount of times.

“I think someone’s playing a game, possibly somebody I’ve upset in the past. I’m not too fussed about it.

“We’ve had one complaint out of 6,500 telephone numbers over the last six years. It’s effective advertising - it works.”

UNQUOTE -

I wonder who it might be? According to Wayne it's "possibly somebody i've upset in the past" - Well that kinda fuckin' narrows it down does'nt it Wayne?

Yes, it narrows it down to anybody who lives within 500 yards of The Cross or any other pub that he has had to move on from over the last 10 years!

Below - the other 6,449 'customers' hold a rally in Mary Stevens Park.............

So - this, again, begs the question..............Where's Wayne???

An overnight 'flit' from Oldswinford with the Police over at Studley Gate at 11.30 one evening is not the normal behaviour of somebody calling it a day whilst still technically running another premises over in Wollaston namely The Britannia. What does the future hold for the local residents?

Is Wollaston ready for a Sports Bar? I mean all those big flat, bright, noisy TV screens have to go somewhere..............Not to mention all the shitty, tasteless signage which has also vanished into seemingly thin air. There has already been a meeting between local residents and the Council after the Police were called because of excessive noise from a Karaoke night.............

Wollaston - you have been warned!

.
Above - The Cross devoid of tasteless signage and now looking like a 'proper' pub for the first time in years.

Below - even the old fag-butts have done a runner!


No - not those sort of fag butts!




Above - first contact, the only sign of the 'new' residents.

Indeed the only signs of life were a couple of dimly-lit rooms on the upper floors perhaps some of Waynes friends had come to 'pub-sit' for him? Possibly the 'Waliens' from another planet and a previous post (See Marquee post).

Below - Marston's temporary manager.

Posing in front of the one, remaining, flat screen.

Rumours are now reaching me with regard to a Bankruptcy order of some £40,000 for trading not in accordance with his licence agreement - depending on your viewpoint and definition of licence agreement that's all he has ever done. The Cross is just the latest in a long line of failed boozers that have milked the goodwill of its' customers and pissed off the local residents!

When will he ever learn? Again, Wollaston, you have been warned - Hurricane Etheridge is in town and the collateral damage will be severe.

ECU

Meanwhile military sources inform me of the deployment of the much-feared ECU, the Etheridge Cleansing Unit. This crack cadre have been on standown since they were last deployed to take care of the 'local problem' at The British Oak' (see previous post).

Below - ECU operatives training for 'Operation Pussy Hunt'


Although the Etheridge Cleansing Unit have been tecnichally 'stood down' for several months mainly due to Waynes inactivity with regard to headlining the local press (that is about to change, big time methinks). He has also been moving between 'safe' houses and rumoured to use the extensive cave systems located in the Kinver area indeed it is thought that a rare geological feature linking Kinver with the Tora Bora mountains in Northern Afghanistan may actually exist which would be unique for a Limestone and Sandstone feature.

TRAIN TO FIGHT -

That is the raison d'etre of the ECU - They exist solely to dismantle the fabric of the nefarious Etheridge empire and although they are the 'tip of the spear' so to speak, they also work closely with the Local Authority, Police, County Court, Customs and Excise, Tax Inspectors, Marstons Brewery, the Express and Star, Stourbridge News and the Stourbridge Chronicle and anybody else with an axe to grind! Oh and somebody called Margot James............

THIS TIME ITS 'PERSONAL' -


Above - 'Roberto'.

One ECU operative, known only as 'Roberto', a short, stocky man of muscular build and undeniably intimidating, brutish appearance spoke in low, measured tones.

"I have personal reasons, that is why i am one of the few volunteers in this unit. There is bad blood an unfinished business and when we find him i will snap him like a dried twig!"

As if to illustrate the point he swiftly pulled a piece of copper piping from his overalls and bent it in half until it.........snapped".

I made my way to the briefing tent, somewhere deep in the woodland several kilometres from Kinver Edge. Here the ECU have been carrying out final exercises before 'Operation Pussy Hunt'. Here i was privy to some recent footage of Winter training carried out in the remote tribal areas of central Ragheadistan which included testing of new ordnance and simulated attacks on mountain and cave terrain in order to prepare them for 'Search and Destroy' operations in the tough bandit country of South Staffordshire.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gor3nbzHMcI
Test of new weapons system.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDBKU74VjtQ
'Softening up' strikes on Kinver Edge.

'Arkan', the units' unofficial spokesman says since the campaign at the 'British Oak' we have been on 'Ethcon4' that has now been raised to 'Ethcon2' and we fully expect to go to 'Ethcon1' should we be called to 'The Brittania'.

Watch this space for further updates!

IF YOU LIKED THIS THEN YOU MIGHT LIKE THIS
http://stourbridgerantboy.blogspot.com/2010/08/cross-swordscross-words.html
AND THIS
http://stourbridgerantboy.blogspot.com/2010/08/waynes-world_11.html
OR THIS
http://stourbridgerantboy.blogspot.com/2010/07/at-home-with-etheridges.html
AND POSSIBLY THIS
http://stourbridgerantboy.blogspot.com/2010/07/cross-sports-bar.html




Winston says - 'Best of luck at The Brit'.

Remember -



'You 'aint seen me......right'!