Now the dust has settled and the poor lads' being laid to rest it might be timely to examine the facts surrounding this tragic incident, draw some conclusions and perhaps and perhaps reccomendations for future 'posh jollys' and have a bit of a laff in the process.............
Q. What happens when you cross a Polar Bear with a rich schoolboy?
A. Eton.
Below - Horatio Chapple from Eton to..............half Eton.
1. What were the little shits doing there in the first place?
Below - left, normal Eton intake and right, not fucking likely................
Having said that, if they did recruit a few ethnics they could also go on the expeditions as.......bait!
Above - this years' doomed expedition of rich targets in a target-rich environment.
Perhaps, in the light of this incident and the fact that they could carry out their research a bit nearer to Blighty they might mount some expeditions to Tottenham, Birmingham or Manchester? Although security might be an issue and they would definately need a rifle that fires first time!
Below - preparation for the, much anticipated, trip including fully acquainting yourself with the potential dangers that Polar Bears pose by watching 'The Golden Compass' at least 3 times.
Below - Eton Corps 'rifles', on guard outside the tuck shop.
Below - be sure to take a reliable guide and a rifle that works.
Ironically, poor Horatios' grandfather, Sir John Chapple was the BSES president at the time of the incident. The BSES was founded by a surgeon who was a member of Scotts' doomed expedition 1910-13.
Below - Johnnys reaction to the news.
"Oh bugger!".
2. What were the safety procedures and why did they fail? and more importantly, who gives a fuck?
Police later disclosed that the organisers of the expedition had a gun which failed to fire four times and had not assigned a night watchman. Leaders of such expeditions are advised that camps should be protected either by trip wires, lookouts through the night or guard dogs; of those options, the camp used trip wires alone which then failed to trigger.
The local authority, requires a risk assessment, any camping trip as such has to to be approved.
Above - The local safety committee.
The attack took place on the Svalbard Archipelago, part of Norway - what tragic timing, there's never a rampaging Norwegian gun freak around when you want one!
Above - Anders, all ghillied up, seen recently in disguise on Svalbard, looking for priveliged British kids after having practiced on Norwegian ones.
Below - Svalbard Polar Bear warning, no need for any small print.
The fact that they had not appointed a lookout or employed a poor person from the nearest village, failed to tether a couple of dogs, used sub-standard trip wires and a knacker of a gun, probably of WW2 vintage means that they would be woefully inadequate to mount any expeditions to Englands' urban areas.
POLAR BEARS - THE FACTS.......................
The Worlds' largest, land-based, predator. There, that gives you a clue, be afraid, very afraid.
Above - the remains of last years' expedition.
SVALBARD has one of the densest populations of Polar Bears on Earth, estimated at around 3,000 breeding adults. The law requires you to carry a rifle away from the settlements, preferably one that works first time. It is also, statistically, one of the safest places on the planet where crime is virtually unknown. The only recent deaths have been caused by, yes, you guessed it......Polar Bears.
Above - "Hurry up, i've got a family to feed!"
Statistically, you are more likely to be killed by a Polar Bear than anything else, a sobering thought. There is, in fact, more bears than people on Svalbard. Posh kids are more likely to be killed than working-class kids as the latter have not had £212,000 spent on their education and cannot afford to visit the fucking place. Proof indeed that you just cannot buy common sense.
Above - it's toff at the top, Eton prefects discussing the going rate for oral sex with the 'freshers'.
DIET AND BREEDING BIOLOGY - Being, mainly, carnivorous feeds on Seals, Walrus and Whale carcasses. During the Summer months supplemented by berries and plants.
Generally avoids humans but the population on Svalbard has taken a liking to visiting posh kids because of their rich taste.
Burrows can be lined with grass and leaves and where available, pages from Debretts' and Who's Who. Hibernates in the Winter but awakens from time to time to surf the BSES website in order to time the arrival of seasonal food with the birth of the cubs.
THE SVARLBERG INCIDENT
Rich kid expedition, posh totty, no smelly immigrants, lashings of Ginger beer - what a jape. Only one problem, well, 3,ooo of them actually. Like water and sharks, Svalberg is their habitat. Your diet for the month might well be a mix of smoked salmon, canapes and Pimms, theirs is berries, seals, a smelly whale carcass and something seasonal to get the digestive juices going............you!
The poor creature, after being finally shot and examined revealed broken teeth, damage to one of its' eyes and was starving and emaciated (answers to the name of 'Lucky'). Much like a lot of the looters back in Blighty.
Below - 'Lucky' or unlucky depending on your perspective.
Had the animal not have been shot it would have only needed treatment for eating spoilt meat.....
Experts have said that Horatio was incredibly unlucky as, normally, Polar Bears would have found a name like that hard to swallow.
Animal psychologists have also not discounted the possibility that, with global warming imminent, the creature was suffering from depression and could have been a bi-Polar Bear?
Below - last years' Maths teacher.
